Do you at times wonder how some people have healthy relationships with very little chaos in their lives? They seem so secure. The reality of it is they most likely grew up with secure attachment.
Let me go back and explain a little bit about attachment styles. If you grew up in a home where your caretakers were there to meet most of your needs- for food, attention, and changing your diaper, you grew up with secure attachment. You knew before you could even speak that you could rely on your caretakers.
Not everyone grows up like this. If you grew up in a home where your needs were only sometimes met, or you could not rely on your caretakers to meet your basic needs, your attachment style might be avoidant, anxious-ambivalent or disorganized. Those types are for discussion in another blog.
The ideas for the headings on this blog come from @thesecurerelationship. Below are the 7 characteristics of secure attachment.
Characteristics of secure attachment
Ability to connect with others
Those with secure attachment aren’t spending a lot of time or energy being anxious or shameful in their relationships. This frees up their energy to be focused on what is going on in the moment. You have the ability to be yourself and not spend time worrying about rejection or judgment. This allows you to speak up and express your feelings. Even if you are rejected at some point (as we all are), you have the resilience to get through it.
Being OK with yourself
This involves looking at various situations, knowing where you have control and where you don’t. Realistically we have very little control. The only things we control are what comes out of our mouth, and what we do with our hands and feet. When we don’t have control over the situation we are able to let it go. This certainly doesn’t mean that we don’t struggle. It means that we acknowledge that we are powerless and need to let go of the situation.
Effective communication with secure attachment
People with secure attachment use what they refer to as assertive communication. They express their needs and feelings. They recognize that they won’t always get their needs met, but if we speak effectively we have a much better chance of getting them met. Instead of expressing things as a complaint, you express them as a positive need that is not being met. You are able to hear the others persons point of view and compromise.
Emotion regulation
People with secure attachment know how to regulate their emotions. We will all experience difficult emotions; the main difference is how we express them. It also means that you know how to calm your body down when you get overwhelmed. It could be deep breathing, meditation, going for a walk or run. For some people it helps to reach out to others.
Healthy boundaries
This means that you have healthy expectations about how people treat you and what you are willing to do or say. You know it is OK to say no if you are not able to, or don’t have time to do something. People with healthy boundaries can’t control what others will do or say, only respond in a way that will protect them. Toxic people don’t like boundaries and will push them. Those with healthy boundaries will stand firm and let others respond how they choose. Remember, boundaries are not to make other people happy, they are there to protect you.
Finding security
Those with secure attachment grew up feeling safe. Of course life isn’t perfect for anyone, but it was good enough. You recognize that even though things were pretty good at home, that your caregiver wasn’t perfect and recognize that there are some things you need to work on yourself. You are willing to look at the things that you don’t like about yourself and work on them. The people you surround yourself with are healthy themselves, respect your boundaries, and are there for you emotionally when you need them. You feel supported by them.
Accept imperfection with secure attachment
Those who are secure know that it is OK to be imperfect. Their acceptance, love or ability to get attention are not based on being perfect. They know that they will experience unconditional love whether they make mistakes or not. This allows them to be their self and not feel that they have to walk on eggshells. They do their best, and when they make mistakes they acknowledge them and learn from them. Very little time is spent dwelling on their imperfections. They are able to acknowledge that working on their imperfections may be a life long process.
If you don’t have a secure attachment style, don’t worry. Acknowledging this is the first step to change. These are all things that can be worked on. Talking with a therapist or someone who can support you through these challenges are instrumental to change. If I can help you out, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
