Some people find it difficult to overcome guilt after setting boundaries. Yet they are crucial for our mental health and happiness as they teach others how to treat us. If someone knows they can coax you into doing something or get you to change your mind, they will. On the flip side if you stick to your boundaries, people will learn that no means no.

This certainly doesn’t mean it’s easy, as people don’t like it when you set boundaries. They might balk at them, or do something to make you feel guilty, as a way to get you to change your mind. Guess what, if you give in to their manipulation, they learn that they can guilt trip you into doing what they want. There are ways you can work on your guilt so you can keep your boundaries firm. As a result your self-esteem will remain intact, and you will feel better about yourself.

How to overcome guilt after setting boundaries

Boundaries are not to make other people happy

Remember, boundaries are to protect you, not make other people happy. I always say that boundaries are like well-greased wheels; everyone knows how the other person will respond. These can be spoken or unspoken. In addition, they can be functional or dysfunctional. When you set a boundary the wheels are rusted and grinding. People usually don’t like it when you set boundaries as it changes the game. However, if you stick to your boundary the other person will eventually adjust to your new way of behaving.

Take notice of your feelings to overcome guilt

Take time to sit with your feelings. What are you noticing? What comes up for you? Perhaps you never paid any attention to what was going on and had been acting on auto-pilot. You can also write down your feelings to see what comes up as you write.

Something else that might help is to write a letter to the other person and not send it. This can be unfiltered. No one is checking your grammar or political correctness. Another purpose this provides is to validate your feelings for yourself. No one else has to agree with you. Feelings are not right or wrong. They just are. Follow your gut.

Remember what made you set the boundary

Something must have happened to make you decide to set the boundary. Perhaps you are tired of being walked all over. Maybe you realize the relationship is one sided in that you are always there for the other person, yet when you need them they are not there for you.

I always say your gut is your guide. So whether you were aware of the exact reason or not, something made you decide that things could no longer go on as they have been.

You are not responsible for someone else’s feelings

You are setting an important boundary for yourself. The purpose of it is to protect your feelings. If someone doesn’t like it, that is on them. I’m guessing there are times you didn’t get what you wanted from someone else. In healthy relationships people respect each other’s boundaries and act accordingly. We may not like it when we don’t get our way, but we readjust and do what we need to do.

Boundaries increase understanding and connection

Perhaps the person you set the boundary with didn’t even know it was a problem. Maybe they thought everything was fine the way it was. Yet when you tell them they are understanding and let you know that they will behave according to your boundaries. They may even feel bad that they had been doing whatever it was that was bothering you.

When you share your boundaries and they are respected, it brings the two of you closer together. This understanding increases emotional connection. You feel heard and respected. As a result your self-esteem gets a boost.

See what happens as time passes

Sometimes it takes a little time to readjust to new boundaries. Someone’s feelings may have been hurt along the way. Your relationship might heal. On the flip side at times it can end a relationship if someone doesn’t like your boundaries or does not abide by them. If that is the case, how strong was your relationship? Was this person really your friend? You might just have to grieve the end of the relationship. While it hurts, you are honoring yourself.

Discuss your feelings with a friend

If you aren’t sure about the boundary or if it’s healthy, talk to a trusted friend, family member or therapist. It’s best to ask someone who is not emotionally involved in the situation to avoid bias. Sometimes just having someone listen to you helps you make sense of things.

I have worked with clients who didn’t even know that it was OK to set a boundary with a family member.

Self compassion to overcome guilt

What you did is difficult. There can be a lot at stake when you set boundaries, especially when you are very close with the person. You may fear losing the relationship. Remind yourself that you are doing what you need to do to take care of you.

It also helps to ask yourself what you would tell a friend in a similar situation. My guess is that you would have some kind words of encouragement. Tell yourself those same kind words.

Remember what they say when you get on an airplane regarding the oxygen mask. Put yours on first. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of others.

Setting boundaries is very difficult to do. If you have trouble learning to overcome guilt after doing so, give me a call at 713-304-7554.

Take care,

Debbie