How are you at self-compassion? Well first let’s look at compassion for others. This is the feeling that you have when you see someone else struggling. You feel for the persons suffering and you feel warmth towards them, you care about them and want to help ease their suffering. It is easy to feel compassion, especially towards our loved ones. We can also be kind to others when they make a mistake, as this is something we all do.

Kristen Neff, PhD, an expert in the field of self-compassion, says, “When you feel compassion for another (rather than mere pity), it means that you realize that suffering, failure, and imperfection is part of the shared human experience.” Self-compassion is using the same compassion for yourself as you would with others, when you make a mistake, fail to do something, or act in ways that you aren’t proud. You acknowledge that you are hurting, and you find a way to best care for yourself in the moment. This is a whole lot easier said than done, as most of us are our own worst critics.

Elements of self-compassion (Neff)

Self-kindness vs. self-judgment

With this we do not beat ourselves up. We are kind and understanding to ourselves when we act in ways we don’t like, are feeling shame, or less than. Knowing that as a human we will fail and make mistakes. Life is hard and we are all doing the best we can. This also means we don’t get angry at ourselves when we mess up.

Realistically none of us is perfect, or get our way all the time. If we fail to realize this we will suffer emotionally. If we can be kind and gentle it will be easier to move past the pain and suffering.

Common humanity vs. isolation

If we believe that we are the only one who makes mistakes it will only lead to suffering. Being human means that we will make mistakes, and we are not perfect. This involves recognizing that this is part of the human experience. We are not alone. We all go through this. Recognizing this helps prevent feelings of isolation.

Mindfulness vs. over-identification

We want to have a balanced approach. This means we don’t suppress our negative feelings and we don’t over exaggerate them. When we look at others going through similar situations it helps us to recognize the bigger picture. We remain aware and mindful of our feelings without judgment. Just recognize the feelings and accept them as they are. In order to feel the compassion, we must also feel the pain.

How to practice self-compassion (Neff)

What would you say to a friend?

If someone you cared about was in the same situation, how would you respond to them? Most of us would be kind and gentle and say something along the lines of, “Everything will be OK, we all make mistakes, you did the best you could.”

Now the next time you mess up, think of what you’d say to a friend, then use those same words on yourself.

Self-compassion break

Kristen Neff has a great recording of a self-compassion break.

In this recording she has you bring to mind a situation that you are mildly worried about. Ask yourself what is happening? What are you worried about? Who is there?

Then she tells you to remind yourself that this is a moment of suffering. We want to acknowledge our pain. Tell your self that suffering is part of life, this is normal and that many are going through similar situations.

Tell yourself to be kind to yourself. She suggests putting your hand on your heart to feel the warmth and comfort while saying this phrase. Feel the kindness and compassion that you would show a friend. Say whatever soothing words you would to your friend, to yourself.

Writing

She also suggests that you write. We all have something we don’t like about ourselves. Write a letter to yourself using words of compassion and kindness. Think of what you might write to someone you love. Use the same gentle wording.

Supportive touch

This involves self-soothing. In several of her exercises she has you putting your hand on some area of your body that will calm you down. We don’t always have someone else around to give us a hug, so sometimes we need to do that for our self. She starts with putting your hand on your heart. As silly as this might sound, it is very soothing to put your hand on your heart-directly on your skin. Feel the warmth of it. Some people find it more soothing to gently rub your heart with you hand. You can try other things such as putting your hand on your stomach, your face, or gently hugging yourself.

Change your self-talk

If you have that negative voice in your head, you can work on changing that voice. Of course it will take time, as you didn’t get this way overnight. The first step to change is to recognize you are doing it.

When you catch yourself saying something negative, think how you can reframe it so it is more positive. An example might be, “I’m such a loser, I can’t find a job.” A way to reframe would be, “I haven’t found a job yet, I am struggling with it, and it is just a matter of time before something comes up.”

These are just a few suggestions on how to practice self-compassion. Perhaps you already have something you use that helps you in times of difficulty.

If you are struggling in any way, therapy can also help. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can find a way to help ease your suffering.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas