Many couples come to counseling prior to getting married to be sure their relationship is off to a good start and they have worked through several of the barriers that might be in front of them. Doing so is actually a mature activity to engage in. There are so many unknowns when we decide to spend the rest of our lives with someone. An excellent book by Gary Chapman is Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married. It is written from a Christian perspective. Even if you are not Christian, it is filled with excellent information on aspects of marriage that you may not have considered.

Of course when we meet that special someone, we assume our life will be full of bliss. There is this fairy tale myth that we will live happily ever after. If only it were that simple. I have been married 29 years, and I can tell you that living the roller coaster of life is far from simple. There are so many situations and life events that we cannot even fathom.

When we first fall in love, we are on cloud nine. Our partner is the most wonderful person in the world. We see only the good. However, over time, we realize that our partner is human and has flaws just like we do. No one plans to get divorced when they are talking about marriage, yet so many marriages end that way. Reading a book such as this can help you work through many things you may not have thought about. Perhaps you need to do a little work and have some hard discussions to prevent later heartache. Below is a list of the topics discussed in his book. In the next several blogs I will be discuss the various chapters in greater detail.

  • Just because you are in love does not mean that you should get married
  • It is important to learn how to forgive
  • There are different phases of love
  • The influence of mother on daughter and father on son is pervasive
  • You need to learn to resolve conflict in a healthy manner
  • It’s important to learn how to apologize
  • You need to discuss chores and how they will be divided up
  • How will you handle money? Will you have joint accounts, separate accounts or both?
  • Sexuality involves satisfying two different people who many have different needs and desires
  • What is your partner’s family like? Can you spend time with them?
  • Will you practice religion or spirituality together? How will you raise your children?
  • Our personality will impact the way we behave
  • Discussing these aspects of marriage can give you a much better chance of a smooth relationship down the road. A friend once shared a quote that has really stuck with me. I do not know the author of it, perhaps you do. It is, “The loving is easy, the living is hard.” And it is so true.

Happy Relating,

Debbie Grammas, Ph.D.