One of the main reasons couples come to therapy is due to challenges with communication. Often times one or both partners will blame the other one for the problems. However, conflict doesn’t occur in a vacuum and it takes two. The issue doesn’t lie with either partner; it’s the dynamic between the two of them that is the problem.

Most of us learn to address conflict from our parents. Unfortunately they may have not done a very good job of it themselves. Perhaps they were explosive or yelled a lot. Maybe there was no conflict. This isn’t to blame anyone; it’s just to help understand that we are all products of our environment.

There are many aspects that play into challenges in communication as well as ways to provide a space in order to address them calmly. Of utmost importance is that you both feel heard, understood and respected.

Ways to resolve challenges with communication

Take a look at yourself

Learning to decrease challenges with communication in part lies with how you communicate or respond. Being willing to look at how you maintain or instigate the conflict will be beneficial.

Tone impacts challenges with communication

This is huge. It will either calm things down or ramp things up. We all respond better when someone addresses us in a neutral tone, vs. an angry or judgmental tone.

This may be easier said than done. However, if you feel you can’t lower your tone, you may want to wait a few hours so you can. I always tell couples that once they raise their voice they will not be able to work it out. In order to resolve conflict we need to understand the other person’s perspective. When we raise our voices, the only perspective we can see is our own.

Safe place

It’s crucial that you have a safe place to talk without interruption or other people hearing. This provides a place for open and honest communication. You might want to ask yourself if you are providing a safe place for your partner to express their feelings. If he or she expresses their concerns and you get upset, you have taught your partner that it is not safe to share their feelings. They will shut down and eventually feel resentful.

Timing

Often times in relationships one person wants to work things out right away as it will reduce their anxiety. They may be with someone who likes to think, process and choose their words carefully. This will reduce their anxiety. The one who wants to work things out right away may push the one who wants to think. This only pushes them further away from you. They know that things will not go well in the moment and will shut down. So if you are the one who wants to work things out quickly, the best thing you can do is reduce your anxiety, give it a little time, and then see if your partner is available to talk.

Start with “I” statements when addressing challenges with communication

What do you think happens if you want to address a concern and you start with the word, ‘you’? It will put the other person on the defensive. Also remember that behind every complaint is a positive need that is not being met. Express that positive need.

Example

Let’s say your partner tells you they will be home at 8pm and they don’t get home until 10pm. At first you might worry about them. You could also think that they are being rude and disrespectful. When they walk in the door and you say where have you been? They are much more likely to become defensive. However, if you say, “I was really worried about you as you said you’d be home at 8pm,” you will get a much warmer response.

We all think differently

Often times people think that their partner has their same perspective. While we may share some common viewpoints or perspectives, we will have plenty of differing ones. Our feelings and beliefs come from what the world has taught us. That is different for everyone. It is about understanding where your partner is coming from and respecting that difference.

Validating each other perspectives

Of course each of your perspectives are accurate. People get so caught up in who’s right and who’s wrong. Guess what? You are both right. The key is learning how to understand your partner’s perspective, and to validate it, even if it doesn’t make sense to you.

It is important that one person speak at a time. When you are listening, ask questions to better understand your partner. Or if it makes sense, repeat back to them what you heard them say. Then tell them why it would make sense that they would feel that way.

Resolving conflict is a part of all of our relationships. This process is easier said than done. In the end, the thing that really matters is that you both feel heard, understood and respected. If you have challenges with communication give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can come up with a specific plan for you.

Take care,

Debbie