I’m guessing most of you have heard the term codependency. You might wonder if you are codependent in your relationship. One of the signs is that you put your partner’s needs above your own. You rely on this other person to the extent that you sacrifice your own boundaries and identity.
People who are codependent may wonder who they really are. They tend to be people pleasers and don’t want to assert themselves for fear of rocking the boat. Codependency is often seen in relationships where there is alcoholism or substance abuse.
Characteristics of codependency
Lack of boundaries
People who fall in this category don’t know how to say, “No.” They may not want to do something, but they will, just to keep the other person happy. As a result, they are not able to differentiate their own needs or feelings.
Low self-esteem
Their self-worth is based on how well they can take care of, or please the other person.
Enabling
This person feels they need to take care of and solve the other person’s problems. They are the one cleaning up the messes and making excuses for the addict or alcoholic. As a result their partner doesn’t have to suffer any negative consequences.
The codependent doesn’t think about all the suffering they are going through to take care of this person.
Control
They try to control their partner’s behavior as a way to feel safe in the relationship. This is how they find value in themselves.
Abandonment
The codependent person often fears being alone. Thus they will do everything in their power to maintain the relationship, even if they lose themselves in the process. They may know the relationship is toxic, yet their fear of being alone is greater than staying in a bad relationship.
What causes codependency?
This often occurs in childhood when the environment is chaotic. It could be due to a parent being mentally ill, child neglect, or abusing alcohol or other substances. The child takes on the role of caregiver at an early age. They may try to fly under the radar as a way to control the mood of the person who is causing the dysfunction. Everyone walks on eggshells, thus ignoring their own needs. While this is a healthy way to adapt in this type of dysfunctional environment, it is not healthy in romantic or other adult relationships.
Signs of codependency in relationships
Emotional exhaustion
Because you put the other person’s needs above your own, you have nothing left to give yourself. You may feel resentful of the other person, or feel that you have lost your own identity.
Lack of needs being met
Because you don’t assert or speak up for yourself, your needs don’t get met. As a result, you might feel empty or unfulfilled.
Personal growth is stunted with codependency
Because you haven’t focused on your own needs, you don’t have a chance to grow or develop as you would naturally. You have not paid attention to your own goals or desires. Perhaps you have done this for so long that you don’t even know what you like any more.
Toxic relationships
Being codependent sets you up to be taken advantage of. You give and give and get nothing in return. Perhaps you get some crumbs here and there, but you don’t have a rich and fulfilling relationship where you both grow.
How stop codependency
Be aware of the problem
The first step to change is recognizing that there is a problem. If you are a people pleaser, you are more at risk. Ask yourself if you do the things you do to please someone at the expense of your own needs.
Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be very challenging, as it will change the dynamic in the relationship. Practice saying, “No.” If the relationship ends because you say, “No” then it was not a healthy relationship to begin with.
Allow others to accept consequences for their behavior. It is not your job to clean up their messes.
Work on your self-esteem
Learning that you have self-worth outside your relationship is crucial. You don’t need the approval of someone else.
Part of this is remembering who you are, what you like, and what hobbies you find enjoyable. It doesn’t matter whether anyone enjoys them. This is about you.
Get support for your codependency
If you are struggling with codependency seek outside support. Seeing a therapist to help you with these challenges can be helpful. You may not even know what a healthy boundary looks like.
CoDA Codependents Anonymous is a group that helps people learn the traits of codependency, where it comes from, and how to take care of you.
Self-care
Take time for yourself. It has probably been a long time since you have done so. You are so used to taking care of others, that this might be a foreign thought for you. It is crucial for your well being, both physically and emotionally.
As you can see, codependency is deep rooted and can seem very challenging to work on. But with help and perseverance you can learn how to have healthier relationships, where there is mutual give and take, along with respect. You can also be an individual in a relationship. If this is something you struggle with, please give me a call a 713-304-6554 and we will come up with a game plan for a healthier you.
Take care,
Debbie
