When doing couples counseling one thing I have noticed is that people are all to willing to point out their partner’s flaws. The belief is, “If only he or she would do this, or if he or she would stop doing this, then everything would be fine in our relationship.” They think that their partner is the problem, and there is nothing wrong with them. They are so sure that I am going to take their side and point out what is wrong with their partner. As a matter of fact, some partners are afraid to come in for counseling for they fear that is what will happen. Or if one person is doing something wrong, they don’t want to come in for fear that the therapist will harp on their flaws.

In reality we all have flaws and things we need to work on. We have blind spots that only others can see. Perhaps people are happy to point out the flaws of their partner because it is a whole lot easier than looking at their own flaws. Ouch, to do so can be very uncomfortable or painful. I always tell couples at the beginning of their session that most couples come to counseling and are happy to point out what is wrong with their partner, but I believe that if two people love each other and are willing to look at their piece in the interaction then you can get to a better place in your relationship. This puts a different spin on things. Your partner will be a whole lot more willing to listen to your point of view when you talk about your own pain or emotional needs that are not being met.

We argue because we are not being heard or understood. When you soften your tone and admit your issues and struggles, you will have a partner who is willing to listen. As soon as you point the finger at the other person or say “You”, you have put them on the defensive and will push the other person away. Starting with “I” and stating your feeling draws your partner towards you. The choice is yours.

A therapist wouldn’t harp on one person’s flaws, or else couples would never come back for a second session. People don’t want someone else attacking them. They perceive that their partner has done enough of it, or they have beaten them self up enough that they don’t need someone else adding to it.

Therapy is a place where you can go to feel heard, understood and respected. We all do the things we do based on the way we know the world to work, or as a way to get our own needs met. People who are not living a healthy life style or doing something wrong do so because it meets an emotional need of theirs. It is easy to understand why people do what they do when you understand the pain and underlying emotion behind it. That is the way a therapist looks at people. Not to magnify their flaws, but to magnify their humanity and pain. The goal is to get their needs met in a healthy way.

If you are struggling in your relationship, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie