Are you an enabler? Are you wondering why there are people in your life who are substance abusers (drugs or alcohol)? Do you find yourself rescuing people who are using? Of course you do these things in the beginning because it’s natural to want to help the people you love. Perhaps they just keep getting a bad break, or one thing happens after another, to knock this person of their feet again. You just want to be supportive, or be a good friend, parent or spouse.
However, at some point in time you may realize that this person isn’t getting on their feet and everything you try doing doesn’t seem to help the person move forward. Perhaps they move forward a little bit. Or if they slide back, they know exactly what to say to you to get you to help them again.
You want to believe them because they seem so sincere. However, if they are using, they are lying. Anyone who is an alcoholic or addict is a narcissist, as they (their substance) will always take precedence over any relationship, even their children.
Eventually you may start to get angry because you feel taken advantage of. So you start to set some boundaries. However, every time the user crosses that boundary, they have such a plausible explanation, and then you don’t stick to the boundary. This happens over and over until you get it. If you help a user pay their bills because they don’t have a job or money, they’ll use the money to get their substance of choice.
You may think you are doing the person a favor by helping them out. But you are actually clipping their wings and preventing them from getting the help they need. When they feel enough pain and hit rock bottom, they will then take care of themselves. This is not something you can do for them. Only until you set hard boundaries (i.e. cut off any money) will the person get help. As long as you provide a place to crash, they won’t get better. You can express your concern and fears, and suggest they get help
It may seem cruel to throw someone out of the house that you love and don’t want living on the streets, but that is what is necessary (I’m not saying to do this to minors-minors you can force into treatment).
This process is a whole lot easier said than done. It takes time. If you are in a relationship with someone who abuses substances, you may need to get help setting appropriate boundaries. Al-anon can help. Once you get healthy, your loved one may also. An outcome may be that your relationship ends if you get help and your partner doesn’t. You can only save yourself, not your partner. It is his or her choice, and once you are able to let go of that responsibility you will feel better about yourself. If this is something you are struggling with, please contact me at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas, Ph.D.
