Since this week has Valentines Day, love language seems like an appropriate topic. I hope this week will be happy for you. I know not everyone is in a relationship. Some may be grieving the loss of their partner, others might be lonely and some are just fine. Whether you are in a relationship or not, this is good information. It not only applies to our romantic relationships, but also our relationship with our children.
Love language explained
You may have heard of the book the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It is a classic amongst couples and marriage counselors. If you don’t want to read the book, that is fine. There is a ton of information about it on the Internet.
According to Chapman there are 5 ways to show love. They are: words of affirmation, gift giving, physical touch, quality time and acts of service. The notion is that we tend to show love in the way we want to receive it.
However, most of the time we are in a relationship with someone who has a different love language. Thus we shower the person with our love, yet they do not feel it. In addition, we might not feel love because our partner is showing it in a different way than we receive it. So you can see how this might be problematic.
For example, my husbands love language is acts of service. So he would wash my car along with his. That is not my love language, so while he is out there doing the cars, my thought is, if I wanted my car washed, I’d take it to the gas station and go through the drive through car wash. I personally thought that was a waste of time. However, now that I know that it is his way of showing love, I can receive it.
Love language quiz
There is a simple way to find your love language and that is to take the Love Language Quiz. You may be surprised, you may not be. Once you have that information, you can then get a printout of things that will make your partner feel loved. Or you can each circle a few of the items on the printout and let your partner know what is important to you.
Remember, these things will not come naturally for you, as it is probably not your love language. However, you can work on these things. Long-term relationships require love and nurturing and this is a blueprint to do so.
The 5 Love Languages
Acts of service
This involves doing things for you partner. Perhaps it is a homemade meal, running errands, picking up your partners dry cleaning or prescriptions. One of my friends has a partner who brings her hot tea in bed every morning. This would certainly fall in that category. Or perhaps it getting them medicine or soup when they are sick.
Quality time
If this is your love language, you want time with your partner. Not just being in the same home doing your own thing. This involves one on one time without interruption. It doesn’t necessarily mean a lot of time; it can be as simple as 15-20 minutes of time talking together on the couch without the TV or phones.
Physical touch
This isn’t just about sex; this is about the little things throughout the day. Do you like to hold hands, snuggle up with your partner, or put your hand on each other’s thigh? It also includes things like a little smack on your butt, or having your shoulders or feet rubbed.
Gift giving
Are you the person who sees a shirt your partner would like? Maybe you see something else they’d like while you are out shopping. Perhaps something pops up on your social media and you think your partner would love it, so you buy it. These don’t have to be expensive things, just things that would make the other person happy. It can be as simple as picking wildflowers. There is a lot of thought behind these gifts.
Words of affirmation
If this is your love language, you want to hear your partner say nice things about you. You want to know that you are doing a good job, are appreciated or are beautiful. They want to hear compliments from you. This will make them feel loved.
This love language may actually spill over in to the workplace. If this is your love language, you need positive feedback from your boss. You may be unhappy with your job if you aren’t getting feedback.
Love language and emotional bank account
As you can see, learning what makes your partner feel loved and following through with it will add deposits into your partner’s emotional bank account. The more deposits we have, the more we will be able to withstand the rough times in our relationship, where there are emotional withdrawals. John Gottman, PhD says that in healthy relationships there are 5 deposits for every withdrawal.
These love languages also apply to our relationship with our children. As a parent the way you show love may not be received as love from your child. Or perhaps you have a child who is very different from you-perhaps they need you to love them in a different way. There is a book on the 5 Love Languages for children and teens. You might want to check it out.
If this is an area you struggle in, therapy can help. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
