When you fall in love, you don’t think that someday you will ever get in a rut or need to rekindle your relationship. In the beginning it’s like being on a drug. All you can think about is that person. You want to be with them all the time and will do anything to get to spend time with them. There is a great sense of euphoria and of course it feels wonderful! Unfortunately this honeymoon phase lasts between 6 months and 2 years. Then you realize your partner is human and has flaws just like you do. You might even start to have some disagreements or disappointments. This is normal and it happens to everyone.

Myth of living happily ever after

You might decide to marry and think you will happily ever after. Wouldn’t it be nice if that were true? Anyone who has been married a long time will tell you that this in not the case. You will have bumps in the road and struggles. Life will throw you curve balls out of left field. How you deal with these struggles will have a big impact on your relationship.

Some people even think that marriage will solve their problems. You could not be more wrong if that is your train of thought. These so called problems will only become exacerbated over time. You cannot ignore them; you will have to work them out.

Working on your marriage is not something you do here and there. It takes a lifetime of work. No one tells you that you will have to continually work on you marriage.

So often it happens that you get caught up in work, life and kids that you go on autopilot. Your relationship will be last on your list. As a result your marriage may become stale or feel like you are in a rut. This is often what brings couples in to therapy. They may feel disconnected or forgotten how to communicate. Perhaps the arguing is increasing or someone has had an affair. It is now time to rekindle your relationship.

How to rekindle your relationship

Catch your partner doing something right

Whatever you look for in your relationship you will find. If you want to complain about something you will find it. On the flip side if you look for the good you will find it. If see your partner doing something right or good in the moment, why not point it out?  It will make your partner feel good and add positive energy to your relationship.

John Gottman, PhD is a relationship expert. He says that we all have this notion of an emotional bank account. For every negative interaction there should be 5 positive interactions. Thus finding things your partner does right will add to your emotional bank account.

Validate your partner’s feelings

This took a little bit of time for me to learn in my own relationship. I realized that I was inadvertently invalidating my partner by saying things like, “You shouldn’t feel that way.” Well he did. Feelings are not right or wrong, they just are. We all come to our feelings based on what the world has taught us. This is different for everyone.

If your partner’s feelings make no sense to you, that is OK. Keep that to yourself and get curious. Seek to understand what you may have done to hurt your partner’s feelings. Even if it was accident, empathize with their feelings and let them know that it makes sense that they would feel that way.

Date night to rekindle your relationship

When is the last time you went on a date with your partner? Do you remember when you first started dating? Many people spend time trying to find the perfect outfit, take more time with their hair and put one some cologne or perfume. You wanted to make a good impression.

Guess what, you can still go on dates with your partner when you are married. If you need to add a little spark, you can take turns planning the date. Surprise your partner and just let them know what kind of clothing to wear.

What did you do while dating that you no longer do?

Did you call and text them often? Did you get flowers or gifts? Perhaps you left sweet little notes around the house or sent cards.

These are the things that you need to go back to revive your relationship. Just because you have your partner doesn’t mean that you should stop trying. If you do, someone else might come in to your life and your relationship can be vulnerable to an affair.

Talk time

Remember when you first started dating and you talked for hours? There was so much to say and to learn about each other. Back then you gave each other your undivided attention.

When is the last time the two of you sat down and talked? I don’t mean while you are both in the kitchen together doing other things. I’m talking about sitting down to specifically talk. No distractions (TV, phone, magazines, etc.).

It is amazing how different it is when it’s just the two of you. It may even be a little awkward at first. I usually recommend 15-20 minutes a day.

One minute hug to rekindle your relationship

Typically when we hug it lasts a split second, or at most a few seconds. What might it be like if you were to hug for a full minute? I’m talking about a full body hug where you lean into each other. When you do so, oxytocin (our bonding hormone, also in breast milk) is released.

One thing I love or appreciate about you

I do this with couples in therapy. I have each person share one thing you love or appreciate about your partner. It can be big or small. People always smile when someone is sharing something they like about them. This is also an addition to your emotional bank accounts.

Check in time

Some couples like to do this once a week. It is a time to share what is going well in your relationship and where some challenges might lie. You will both be going into it knowing that there might be something to work on. It’s easy to assume everything is OK in your relationship if you just stick your head in the sand. It is important that you speak up if something is bothering you. If you don’t, resentment will build.

Therapy to rekindle your relationship

If you struggle with your relationship, are in a rut, or lost that spark, therapy can help you to rekindle your relationship. Give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can get your relationship back on track.

Take care,

Debbie