The focus of this week’s blog is to learn if you are enabling the substance abuser.  I can’t imagine how difficult it might be for you if someone you love is using. Of course you will do everything you can to help your loved one.

It’s hard to believe the amount of lying and denying that occurs with this person. At times you may even wonder if you are the one who is going crazy, or that you are making more of the situation than needs be. All addicts lie to get their needs met, no matter how much you love them or they love you. The addiction is stronger than both of you. As a result, it’s critical that you take care of yourself and stop enabling the situation.

Perhaps you are enabling and don’t even realize that you are. Below is some information on enabling that came from New Dimensions Day Hospital. The terms addict, alcoholic, substance abuser, and user will be used interchangeably throughout this article.

Definition of enabling

Enabling behaviors are anything that you do to prevent the abuser from experiencing the consequences of their actions. When you engage in these actions listed below, you are allowing the abuser to continue to use and prevent them from changing.

Lying to others to protect the addict

Perhaps you tell people that the user won’t be there because they are sick. Well, they might be sick, but not in the traditional sense of the word.

Making excuses

You might tell someone the alcoholic had a rough day, so they just need to do something to take the edge off. They didn’t really drink all that much.

Bailing out

If the person gets arrested, you bail the out of jail. Maybe you pay for them to get their car out of the impound lot, or buy them a new car after they have crashed theirs. Maybe you give them money. You probably don’t realize that they are just going to use it for their drug of choice.

Blaming other people for usage

You justify their usage because of things that others have done to them, or they have had a difficult time in life. No one else is responsible for the person’s usage, but that person.

Telling the person that it is the last time I will help you

My guess is that you have said this several times. However, when the next crisis arises, you help them out, and then tell them it’s the last time again. You have now taught the alcoholic that even though you say it, you don’t mean it.

Putting the users needs ahead of your own

This means that you drop whatever you are doing to help that person out. Or maybe you stay home to be sure they don’t go out or use.

Keeping secrets

You don’t let others know what is truly going on. You basically ignore the elephant in the room and stick your head in the sand.

How to help vs. enable

The addict needs motivation to change. Here are some ways to help.

Help when the person is doing something to help them self

This could mean that they are seeking treatment vs. avoiding the consequences of their action.

Have a plan and stick to it

When the alcoholic reaches their next crisis, have a plan of action so they can get the help they need. For example, you can’t come back home until you go to treatment. Even if they beg, plead, cry, promise to change, do not give in.

Look out for manipulation

The addict may try to convince you that the situation they are in is different from what your boundary was. He or she is a master at finding loopholes. No one knows you better, so they will play on your weaknesses.

I know this is a process and it’s all easier said than done. Hopefully you will get to this place sooner rather than later, because it will be torture for you. If setting boundaries is difficult for you and you are not sure how to help the person you love, therapy can help. Remember, you need to take care of yourself before you take care of others. Give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas, PhD