Family systems run like well-greased wheels. Everyone knows on some level what role they play, what they can get away with and what they can’t. These systems can be functional or dysfunctional. When a family is dysfunctional, as long as everyone plays their respective roles, then everything is good. Here are the common roles:

The Elephant in the Room

This is the person that is the identified patient. They may be using drugs, alcohol or engaging in some other addictive behavior. Or they may be depressed. No one wants to confront this person directly for fear of how they will act.

The Enabler

This is the person that allows the person to engage in their unhealthy behaviors. Taking care of the addict is their job (bail them out of jail, pick them up at the bar, give them money). Their goal is to help, but the help actually prevents the person from taking responsibility for their behavior.

The Scapegoat

This is the person in the family who is always getting into trouble (the black sheep). They are blamed for the problems in the family. Family issues are not addressed or resolved, which leads the scapegoat to act out.

The Hero

Doing really well in school and being involved in groups is this persons job (the golden child). The one who can do no wrong. Perfection is the name of the game.

The Lost Child

This person may be shy or depressed. Expressing of feelings is very difficult for the lost child. When there is any conflict in the family, they disappear.

The Mascot

This is the person who tries to break the tension in the family, by making them laugh. This relieves the pressure of the situation.

When someone in the system decides that they want to have healthy boundaries the system does not like it. Typically what will happen is someone will not like that the person is setting healthy boundaries because it does not fit the system. The wheels then become like rusty, grinding gears and the person who does not like the healthy boundary will throw some kind of fit (i.e. yell, scream, threaten or increase their manipulation), to get the healthy person to get back into their expected role. If the healthy person does not stick to their new healthy boundary, then it will teach the person who acted out, that all they need to do is keep throwing a bigger fit to get the healthy person back into the dysfunctional system.

If this sounds like your family, a therapist can help you maintain healthy boundaries. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas, Ph.D.