Dysfunctional family systems can continue from generation to generation because of the rules that may be spoken or unspoken. Healthy families meet the needs of the members, are flexible and adaptive. They discuss problems and issues that arise. For the dysfunctional family, problems are ignored. Once you understand the way the system operates, you have a better chance of changing it. We all grow up with the sense that the way our family operates is the right way. It may be difficult to learn that your parents or family is not healthy, as it’s all you know.

Rules of Dysfunctional Families

  1. Denial-this is the biggest one. Many people struggle with alcohol use, and if you look at their family, you see a history of alcoholism. Imagine how difficult it would be to get sober if all of your family functions involved alcohol. How do you get healthy when others are not there to support your growth? The denial is the elephant in the room. Everyone can see it. Or perhaps it has been there for so long that it just fades into the background. Maybe you recognize it, but everyone else denies it, so you wonder if what you are seeing is that bad.
  2. Silence-Family members do not discuss problems. If you ask questions or mention them to other family members there are negative consequences. Family members may tell you not to mention something for fear of upsetting someone. Others may tell you not to talk about family problems outside the home. You may be afraid to speak up for fear of getting yelled at or being abused.
  3. Rigidity– The family system has run the way it does for a long time. Everyone knows the role they play. If they try to stray from their role, there are consequences. Someone may act out, so you stay in your role because it’s easier to do so. Everyone has his or her role in maintaining the system and you are expected to stay in it.
  4. Isolation– Because family members are told to keep silent, and not discuss problems outside the family, they have no one to talk to. Other family members are not available to talk to, because they each have their own role to play. As a result, family members feel alone in their struggles.

If you recognize that your family system is dysfunctional, a therapist is the perfect person to talk to. Even if you can’t change the system, there are things you can do to take care of yourself. Having an outside person to guide you along the way is the first step to getting healthy. Call me at 713-304-6554 if you think you are in this situation.

Take care,

Debbie