Do you think you might self sabotage? Or perhaps you know someone who does. I have worked with clients who are just about to get that promotion, get engaged, get pregnant, have a special date night and then do something to prevent it from happening. It is basically any behavior that prevents you from achieving your goals or undermines your values. People may think of you as unreliable, lazy or think your don’t care, when you might care very deeply. Obviously this harms relationships and decreases your self-esteem. For some people it helps to reinforce their feelings of worthlessness.
In this blog I’ll explain a little more about self sabotage and help you determine if you are someone who does this (from Between Session). In next weeks blog I’ll give you some tools on how to stop this self-harm behavior.
Examples of self sabotage
Missing deadlines or not being prepared
This happens to most of us at some point in time. We aren’t referring to the occasional faux pas. It is more of a pattern of behavior.
Chronic lateness
We all know that person who is never on time. Even if you talk with the person and they vow to do better, they often go back to their old way of behaving. This can obviously lead to job loss or cause extreme distress in relationships. If you are constantly late and someone else is always on time, it can give the impression that you don’t care about the other person, you don’t respect him or her, or you think your time is more important.
Drug and Alcohol abuse
This destroys relationships and families. People who use are often in denial about their behavior being a problem. I can’t tell you how many times they say they can quit any time they want. Or that they are not the problem, the problem is their spouse complaining about it.
Procrastinating as a form of self sabotage
This is frustrating for the person who procrastinates and for someone to live with a procrastinator. Just think about all the chores that need to be done around the house. No one really wants to do the work, but its something we need to do to maintain life. If you are doing most of the work and your partner continually procrastinates, conflict and resentment can easily occur.
Using food to hide anxiety and stress
Instead of dealing with what is occurring in life, some people turn to food. This can lead to all kinds of health issues. Many of us know someone who uses food to numb his or her feelings.
Starting projects and not finishing them
This is also common with ADHD. Of course the person has every intention of completing the project when they start it. However, having a lot of unfinished projects around the house would be frustrating to most people.
Ending friendships or romantic relationships
Some people fear intimacy. Others may want it desperately but also fear it. Have you ever met someone and once you get too close the relationship ends. I worked with one client who would end a relationship and never talk to the other person if that person did something that hurt the client’s feelings. So instead of speaking up the client would end the relationship. There were times when the friend tried to contact the client and make amends, yet the client wouldn’t take their calls. Think of the times you have inadvertently hurt someone. With this type of criteria I don’t think any of us would have friendships or romantic relationships.
Stop working on goals in the middle of it
Some people give up on their goals once the going gets tough. Or some people are very successful and stop working on their goal, for fear of success. Others don’t believe they deserve the success.
How to tell if you self sabotage
First, write down a goal that you have had for a long time and did not complete.
Second, is there an area where you are putting off making a decision? If so, write that down.
Third write down if you struggle with motivation, even for tasks that are important. If so, explain a little more about that.
Fourth ask yourself if there is something you do or don’t do that irritates people at home or at work?
Fifth, write down a situation where your emotions caused you to self-sabotage.
If you do some of these, you may be self-sabotaging. If so, don’t beat yourself up about it, as that is an example of self-sabotage. Try to have a little compassion towards yourself as you would towards someone you love.
Self sabotage fills a need and can make you feel better in the short run. Recognize that procrastination may be fear of failure. Any kind of addictive behavior may be used to avoid negative feelings. We want to find healthy ways of coping with those feelings (as we all have them) vs. self-sabotage.
Next weeks blog will focus on how to stop this destructive behavior. If this is something you think you do, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
