Are there things you put up with in your relationship that you shouldn’t? If so you might be in a toxic relationship. How do you know if your relationship is healthy vs. toxic? In the therapy world we refer to healthy aspects of a relationship as green flags, and unhealthy behaviors as red flags.
If you are seeing red flags, it certainly doesn’t mean you have to end your relationship. It does mean that you need to have a conversation with your partner about the behaviors that are bothering you. How your partner responds will give you all the information you need. If they are willing to hear your concerns and change these behaviors, then that red flag may turn into a green flag. However if they deny that they do it, tell you that all their friends do it too, or tell you that you are crazy, then you might be in a toxic relationship.
I know this is all easier said than done, because you may love someone who it toxic. However, if they are not willing to work on it now, they never will be. I can’t tell you how many people I work with who stay in abusive relationships, trying to get that old person back (who was so sweet, kind and loving in the beginning). That person is not coming back, it only appeared to woo you in.
Characteristics of a toxic relationship (red flags)
Unrealistic expectations
The person’s demands are more than you feel you can handle, or you feel as if they are unnecessary. Maybe they expect you to do all the childcare and housework. Or balk at you if the house isn’t clean when they come home from work.
Won’t accept your point of view
We are all entitled to our own point of view. We will not agree on everything with our partner, nor should we? Your point of view is just as valid as your partners and there should be room in the relationship to agree to disagree.
Use your past against you
We all have things in our past that we are not proud of. These things should not be brought up as a threat or bargaining tool. In addition bringing up past arguments when in a current one will only derail moving forward.
Don’t listen to you
It is important that you both have a voice in your relationship. Only when we do so do we feel as if we have a partnership. If you can’t share your thoughts or feelings with your partner out of fear, then you are in a toxic relationship. It is only a matter of time before you lose your sense of self.
Lack of boundaries in a toxic relationship
In healthy relationships we have boundaries. Some boundaries are spoken some are unspoken. It is important that your partner respects yours and you respect your partners. If not, resentment will creep in and poison your relationship.
Lack of trust
If your partner is vague and won’t fill in the details you might wonder if they are telling the truth. Or if they lie to you or betray you then the trust will erode. Trust is one of the building blocks of a relationship, and if it isn’t there, then yours won’t succeed.
Unsupportive of your goals
We all have dreams and goals in our lives. A healthy partner will be there to support you in those endeavors. If they are telling you that you won’t succeed or scoff at them, that is problematic.
Relationship green flags
Clear communication
This is the major reason couples come to therapy. It is so easy to assume things that are not true. You need to be sure that you do what you say you will do. If not it will be difficult to trust you.
Take responsibility
If your partner does something that hurts you or you are not OK with, it is important that they acknowledge what they have done wrong. Otherwise you won’t feel safe in your relationship.
Respect boundaries
Some people fear that if they set boundaries the other person will not like them. Your boundaries are for you to set. Anyone that is worth keeping in your life should respect those. Again this allows you to feel safe in your relationship.
They treat you with respect
We all deserve to be treated with respect by our partner. If not, you will not feel good about yourself or your relationship. It’s also important to see how they treat others. If they are disrespectful to others, it’s just a matter of time before they will be disrespectful to you.
Encourage your growth
A healthy partner will be there to support your growth, wether it be in your career or with family or friends. They allow you to live life how you see fit.
These are just a few things that are important in relationships. It certainly isn’t an exhaustive list. The basic notion here is that you feel loved, understood and respected in your relationship. If your partner makes you feel bad about yourself, then you are in a toxic relationship and I encourage you to seek therapy.
Give me a call at 713-304-6554 if I can help.
Take care,
Debbie
