Do feel like you are perfectly clear in your communication, yet your partner does not seem to get it? Do you have a difficult time sharing your vulnerability? Or perhaps you have given obvious hints, yet are afraid to really show yourself and share your feelings. By hiding who you really are, it prevents you from connecting to your partner.

Communication challenges

This phenomenon happens all the time. Difficulty with communication is the main reason couples come to therapy. As a result you don’t feel heard or understood. In addition you don’t feel as if you are connecting with your partner.  If it happens often, anger and resentment will build.

I can’t tell you how many couples I have sat with as they attempt to communicate in session. Often times someone will take their partners words and make a conclusion about its meaning. Sometimes I can’t even make the connection in my own mind as to how they got there. At that point I will ask how they made the assumption based on what their partner said. It appears as if instead of going from A, to B, to C, someone has gone directly to F. When we assume something that may not be true, it creates problems.

Brené Brown and vulnerability

I’m guessing you have heard of Brené Brown. If you haven’t heard of her, I’d highly recommend that you Google her name. You will find a wealth of information on her, as well as resources that everyone can use-books, TED Talks, videos, Netflix series, etc. Her main topics are on vulnerability, shame and perfectionism. In one of her books she discusses a story of miscommunication with her husband that I’d like to share with you.

An example of vulnerability

Brené was talking about going to their summer lake house in Austin as she was growing up. It was a family tradition. She stated that she has fond memories of being there. In addition her husband also spent many summers at the lake house.

During one of these summers, the goal between the two of them was to eat healthy and exercise. They were both swimmers in high school, so they thought they’d swim to one side of the lake and back. The lake wasn’t too large, so it was doable. During this swim she said that her husband was just about 15 feet away from her. She began to to share with him how much she was feeling connected to him during the swim. He barely acknowledged her and kept swimming.

Of course she wanted to hear something back that was kind and was a little hurt that he didn’t say anything. However, she continued to swim. She was feeling hurt and rejected when she got back to shore. Of course she didn’t feel heard. It stung even more as she was trying to connect with her husband. She assumed he was ignoring or rejecting her, by not saying anything kind, back.

Brené never did consider the real reason he didn’t respond. He said he felt like he was about to have a panic attack and if he didn’t keep swimming he had the fear that he would have a full-blown panic attack in the water (his vulnerability). Of course that makes sense. I think many of us would have done the same thing. This made his actions loud and clear, so her feelings were no longer hurt. Because she shared her pain (her vulnerability), she was able to connect with her husband.

Vulnerability in relationships

Have you ever wondered how many bids for connection you and your partner may have missed with each other? The only way we will know for sure is by risking our vulnerability.

If you aren’t sure of someone’s intention, stop and ask. Also be careful of your tone. We know our partners well enough that we can tell if their tone has changed in the slightest bit. When we slow down and check with our partner, we have a much better chance of connecting.

In healthy relationships our partners do not do things to purposely hurt us. So if you are feeling hurt in your relationship, there is much to gain by asking your partner what he or she meant. That is the only way to figure out someone’s intentions.

Also, the first thing you want to do when checking in is to start with an, “I” statement. Then state your feeling, and then what led to that feeling. If you start with the word, “You, “ then you will put the other person on the defensive, which is the last thing you want to do.

Difficulty communicating is one of the main reasons couples come to therapy. If you feel you have done everything you could to improve communication and are still struggling, give me a call and I can give you tools to help you get the relationship you want.

Take care,

Debbie