Your Communication Style

My guess is that most people think they have a fairly healthy communication style. However, many of us also have trouble communicating at times. Or perhaps you don’t communicate in the most effective way.

This is important as the way we communicate can either bring us closer to or further apart from the people we love.

There are 5 different styles of communication. It might be interesting to think which category you fall into. Then have someone who knows you well share what they think your style is.

The good news is that if you aren’t happy with your communication style, you can work on changing it and improve your relationships. Remember, knowing we are doing something that isn’t helpful is the first step to change.

The bottom line, is most of us at some point in time don’t communicate in the best way, especially when we are stressed out.

Types of communication style

Passive

Most of us know someone who doesn’t speak up. They may learn growing up that it isn’t safe to speak up. This person is often times the people pleaser and doesn’t want to rock the boat, thus they just go along with what others want. They will avoid any form of confrontation.

He or she will just stuff their feelings, which in turn makes them said. They may not think that they deserve to have their needs met or deserve to be treated well.

If there is any confrontation, this person will take responsibility for it. This person can be easily taken advantage of which leads to low self-esteem.

He or she may engage in self-harm or some type of addiction such as alcohol, drugs or overeating.

Because this person doesn’t speak up, they don’t get their needs met, which is not good for any relationship.

Passive-aggressive

This person is passive, just as in the case above. However, there is a price to pay down the road for their passivity. Instead of communicating their needs, they become angry and resentful. Again this may be due to their upbringing and how they best survived a toxic environment.

He or she may tell you that everything is fine when asked. However, this is not true. They may respond in a sarcastic manner or become more upset than is called for in the situation.

To the passive-aggressive communicators, it should be obvious to what their needs are and are shocked that others can’t tell. They may get back at the other person at a future date to make them pay for what they have done.

The problem is, since it is done at a later time, the other person has no idea why you are acting the way you are. Because of this, there is no healthy resolution of the issue. It can even look like you are trying to start conflict.

Remember, no one can read your mind and we all think differently. You can get in trouble thinking that everyone thinks the way you do.

Again, this type of communication destroys relationships, leads to resentment and low self-esteem.

Passive-Explosive

This person also starts as the passive person who doesn’t speak up. There is no healthy communication. He or she stuffs their feelings, and then they explode. You may know someone who goes from 0 to 60 in no time flat. One minute everything seems fine, and then the next minute they are raging. This goes way past the aggression phase.

They blame other people for their feelings and are very angry. According to them, the world is full of idiots.

Interestingly, the outburst may be directed at someone other than the person who made them angry. Obviously the person doesn’t know why you are angry. This destroys relationships and leads to a loss of self-esteem.

Getting angry may feel good in the short term, but not the long term.

Aggressive

This person acts as if his or her needs are more important than anyone else’s. Their goal is to win even at the other person’s expense. In their mind the other person is to blame for the problem.

They come off as hostile and threatening, and are scary. He or she tries to bully, threaten, intimidate or abuse you. They can be loud and unpredictable.

It appears as if they don’t respect the other person, which leads them to feeling humiliated and resentful. Obviously this is destructive to relationships. There is no resolution of conflict and leads to low self-esteem.

Assertive

This is the healthiest form of communication and is the goal. If there is an issue, this person will bring it up in a way where both parties are heard, understood and respected.

They start with “I” statements and express their feelings. The belief is that the parties can work out their issue.

There is no blaming. The person is able to recognize the other person’s boundaries and not push or manipulate.

As an assertive communicator, you are willing to compromise. It is a win-win for both parties, and leads to healthy self-esteem.

Surprisingly this is the least used style of communication.

Learning to improve your communication style

Realistically if we are being honest with ourselves, we may use different styles of communication based on our mood, or level of threat. It’s something to be aware of as a way to communicate with others. We are all works in progress and can learn from this.

If you aren’t happy with your communication style and struggle in your relationships, please give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can help improve your style.

Take care,

Debbie