Getting married is very exciting. In the beginning everyone is on cloud nine. The romance might feel like a whirlwind. Your partner is the best thing that ever happened to you. He or she is on your mind all day long.
Challenges of being married
No one tells you how difficult marriage can actually be. There is this myth in society that you will meet someone, marry and live happily ever after. If you haven’t been together 24/7, you might have some surprises coming your way. Don’t worry. This is totally normal.
Some people come to therapy for premarital counseling. Perhaps they know that this major life change can be a huge challenge. While exciting, it can still be scary. We don’t truly know someone until we live with him or her.
Don’t worry if you feel like your partner isn’t the most wonderful person all the time. That perhaps they or you get moody or irritable. Maybe you/they aren’t as neat or clean as you thought. Clearly the honeymoon phase is over. They say that it lasts 6 months to 2 years.
How to nip challenges in the bud
While we can’t truly know what it will be like to be with someone for the rest of our life, as we will grow and change. There are some things you can become aware of to nip some challenges in the bud.
There is a book I recommend to all couples thinking of tying the know by Gary Chapman, called Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married. It is written from a Christian perspective, so if that isn’t your belief system, it’s still a great book. Even if you have been together a long time I still recommend reading it. I have been married 35 years and got a greater understanding of some dynamics in my own relationship.
I recommend that you each read a chapter and discuss it. The chapters are short and easy to read. There are 12 of them. Discussing some of these topics can prevent future heartache. Below are the topics of the chapters in the book.
Things to know before you get married
Love is not a good foundation for building a successful marriage
This might sound a little scary, but a lot more than love goes into a good marriage. We need to also have similar interests and value systems.
There are 2 stages to romantic love
The first stage is that romantic love where you are euphoric. The second is when you realize you are both human and you have to work at it.
Like father, like son and like mother, like daughter is not a myth
Our parents have a huge impact on our roles in a relationship. From them we learn how to be in a relationship. This can be functional or dysfunctional.
How to resolve conflict successfully
Communication and conflict resolution are the main reasons couples come to therapy. We can all use some help in this area.
Apologizing is a sign strength
Conflict doesn’t occur in a vacuum. We each play a part when we struggle with our partner. It is important to apologize for your piece in the argument.
Forgiveness is something we need to do
When we learn to apologize and forgive, we can let go of conflict and move back to loving each other intentionally.
Toilets don’t clean themselves
No one likes to do chores, however its something we all need to do. Division of labor is another topic that many couples fight about.
How will you handle your money
We all learn how to handle money from our parents. We tend to think our way is the right way. Realistically there are many ways to do things correctly.
Mutual sexual fulfillment doesn’t just happen
It takes trust and communication to achieve this.
You marry into a family
This can be very challenging, as we may not always care for family members. However, it is important to respect people even if you don’t like them. Do not speak negatively about each other’s family members.
Church/Temple and spirituality are not the same
Are you religious, spiritual, or neither? It doesn’t matter what you do or don’t believe. It’s important to share this ahead of time with your partner to see if you are on the same page. If not, how will you handle this?
Our personality impacts how we behave
If there is something about your partner that you don’t like, don’t expect it to change after getting married.
These are some important areas to discuss prior to marriage to help avoid pain and heartache. They are not easy conversations to have, but they are necessary. I heard a quote that stuck with me, and I don’t know the author to give credit. It’s “The loving is easy, the living is hard.”
If pre-marital or marital counseling is something I can help you out with, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
