Couples come to therapy for all sorts of reasons. One of them is when one partner has a low libido. Typically when a couple becomes sexually active, they can’t seem to get enough of each other. They can’t keep their hands off of each other, and they think about their partner all day long. They can’t wait for the next time to be together. However, over time, this tends to slow down.

People have different libidos. Rarely do you find couples that are the same. One person typically initiates a little more than the other. There are all sorts of reasons (psychological, physical and lifestyle choices) that someone’s sex drive may be lower.

Physical factors for low libido

Hormonal factors

If someone has low testosterone or going through menopause, then sex drive can decrease. Other hormonal balances can lead to low libido.

Medical

All sorts of medical reasons can decrease sex drive such as diabetes, thyroid issues, chronic pain or long term illness.

In addition different medications such as antidepressants and birth control can get in the way.

Stress and low libido

If you are under a lot of stress it can impact your desire for sex. Not too many people want to be intimate if they are under a lot of stress.

Use of substances

If you drink or use drugs to excess this can reduce your desire or ability to have sex. In addition, this might be a turn off for your partner.

Psychological reasons for low libido

Mental health issues

If you are struggling with anxiety, depression, or a mood disorder, it can decrease your sex drive. You might even have anxiety about having sex.

Body image

I have worked with many couples where one person didn’t like their body or felt unattractive. Most of the time their partner loves their body and sees nothing wrong with it. Yet if you don’t like your body or feel self conscious about it, you might not like sharing it with someone else.

Communication

This is a major issue. First of all, it is so easy to make assumptions about why one person desires sex less. If you are being told no, you may think your partner no longer finds you attractive, or that he or she is getting it elsewhere. Your self-esteem may plummet, or you might get angry.

If you are not communicating well in other areas of your life, there is conflict, or if you feel unsafe around your partner, you most likely will not want to be intimate.

I find it very interesting that sex is a part of all marriages, yet many people feel uncomfortable talking about specifics about their needs and desires.

Trauma and low libido

If you have experienced rape or some other form of sexual trauma, it will impact your sex life. It is important to go slow and make sure the other person feels safe and wants to engage sexually. If you push them, it will make them feel unsafe around you. In addition, you are only re-traumatizing your partner.

When there is a sexual trauma, your power and control is taken away from you. Thus it is important that whoever experienced the trauma does not feel that are being coerced into something they don’t want to do.

Religious or cultural messages

Growing up we receive all kinds of messages regarding sex from our family, religion and culture. Some cultures/religions believe you only have sex for the purpose of bringing children into the world. Others view it as something good to enhance your marriage.

Some people are taught that the man should be the one to initiate sex, and even if they want it, they won’t say so. Others believe it should be mutual.

If you are the person who is being told no, you may stop initiating all together because you don’t expect that anything will change. There is no wrong or right here. This is just to remind you about the importance of communicating thoughts, feelings and expectations.

Lifestyle issues that can lead to low libido

Time

If both of you have busy schedules and work different shifts, it may be very difficult for you to find time to be together.

Sleep

The birth of a baby will affect most people’s sex drive, as you are not getting the sleep you need and have no energy. Sex might be the last thing on your mind.

Also, if you have insomnia or other sleep disturbances, your physical health, mental health and libido can be impacted.

Long-term relationship

If you have been together a long time, sex can become routine or mechanical. It takes work to keep things novel and exciting.

What to do about low libido

An exercise to try

I read about a great exercise to do when working with couples regarding the amount of sex that they have. There is a question for each of you to answer and write down on a piece of paper. If you are the person who has the greater sex drive, what is the least amount of sex that you would be willing to have and still be OK? If you are the partner who has a lower sex drive, how often are you willing to have sex? Then show each other your paper. Your answers might not be as far apart as you think.

Seek medical help for low libido

Before we can even consider psychological factors, if you are experiencing low libido, we need to see if there is something medically going on. Talk to your primary care physician, OBGYN or urologist to make sure you are OK physically.

Couples therapy

If you are both OK medically, seeing a therapist can be helpful to see if there are some psychological factors impacting your sex life. If this is something you are interested in, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie