According to Chapman, another factor when considering getting married is to look at your partner’s family. Is there substance abuse in the family? Was there any physical or verbal abuse? If so, beware, as history tends to repeat itself. This doesn’t mean that it cannot change, but change will be more likely if the person has had some therapy and learned ways to change these patterns, the role they played in the family, as well as an understanding of family systems. This also holds true for you. If you grew up in a family with any type of abuse, it would also be helpful for you to learn ways to break these patterns and cope with stress in a healthy fashion.

It’s also important to look at your family or that of your partner when it comes to communication. We tend to think that our family is normal, and does things the right way. Our parents are our models on how to resolve conflict. Often times they were not the best role models, as they did not have anyone to teach them effective communication skills. This is the number one reason couples come to therapy.

It is important to consider some similar behaviors of your partner and that of their same sex parent. Does the parent have any annoying habits or personality traits? Can you begin to see some of these traits in your partner? If so, these habits will increase your irritation over time. Now is the time to address them, as they will only magnify if you get married. Whether we like it or not, daughters tend to turn into their mother’s and son’s into their father’s.

Women, look at the way his father treats his mother. This is how he has learned to treat women and will most likely to treat you. Men, look at the way her mother treats her father. This is her model on how to treat men, and the way she will likely treat you.

What are family patterns during mealtime? Do people all eat together at a certain time, or is it less organized. These family rituals also tend to repeat themselves and can be sources of conflict.

This is why it is important to get to know your partner’s family, as they will become your family. He or she is a product of their environment. If there are some concerns you are seeing, it is best to discuss these before getting married. Doing so will reduce your chances of serious marital discord.

Happy relating,

Debbie