Many people don’t realize that you have to constantly work on your marriage. There is this myth that once you get married all your problems will be solved and you will live happily ever after. Love will conquer all. This is what happened to Cinderella, why shouldn’t it happy to you? Any one who has been married for a long time will tell you that this is far from the truth. We are human and have our own needs, which can conflict with our partner’s needs. We don’t always get our way and we need to compromise. When we first fall in love, there are intense feelings of euphoria and we would do anything to be with our partner or make them happy. It doesn’t feel like work, as all we want to do is make the other person happy. According to Chapman, this stage lasts about 2 years.
After this 2-year period, you recognize that the feelings of euphoria have subsided and you wonder what happened. People expect it to last forever. Some think that they love their partner, but are no longer in love with them. After the euphoria subsides, it takes effort to keep the feelings of love alive. It is important to figure out what makes your partner feel loved. People typically show love in the way they want to receive it, yet our partner may not show love in the same way. Thus, you may feel like you are doing everything possible, yet you are missing the boat. Your partner is not receiving your love messages.
The 5 Love Languages by Chapman talks about this very idea. To discover your love language, you can read the book, take a quiz online, or ask yourself what you do to others to show your love. Do you buy them gifts, do you compliment them, do you hug them, do you do things for them, or do you spend time with them?
When I work with people who say they love their partner, yet are no longer in love with them, I always ask what they used to do when they were trying to woo their partner, but no longer do? These are the very things your partner fell in love with, and you need to go back to doing. For example, did you text, “I love you?” Did you bring flowers for no reason, did you have a pet name for the other person, or did you leave sweet sticky notes around the house? You need to keep doing those things to keep the love alive. The effort you put into your relationship will come back to you.
Take care,
Debbie
