Shame is a feeling behind many addictions and disorders. We have all done something that we are ashamed of, or not proud of. You may think you are not good enough and want to hide this part of yourself from others. We don’t want to admit that this shadow in us exists. However, this is part of being human. Because we crave human connection, we don’t want to share this part of ourselves with others, for fear that we won’t be accepted. The interesting thing is, when we feel safe enough to share this shame with someone else, we realize that we are not alone.

Perhaps you sit with yours and think that you are the worst person out there. Maybe you feel unlovable or that you are damaged goods.

Menninger (a mental health hospital with locations across the country) recently had a mental health symposium on shame. Some of the information in this blog comes from one of their publications that recapped the seminar.

Brene Brown PhD shared that people put on armor to hide themselves and who they really are. When you think of it that sounds kind of heavy to have to carry that armor. She states that some of the armor people put on are perfectionism, cynicism, or having power over others. In order to be brave, we need to show up as who we truly are. That means with our fears and vulnerabilities. These are things we all have as humans. If you haven’t yet looked at any of her you-tube videos, or read any of her books, I highly recommend that you do so.

Cynthis Mulder LCSW says that we can be shame-resilient but not shame-proof. This is pretty powerful when you think of it. We all experience it. As crazy as this may sound, we can embrace it. However a natural tendency is to deny it. When we deny it, it just sits there. A place to start with this is to just recognize when something triggers your shame. What is it? Being aware that it is being triggered can be your first step towards awareness.

June Tangney PhD talks about the difference between shame and guilt. These are both interpersonal feelings yet they are different. With shame, you feel that something is wrong with me. You wonder if others are judging you and looking down on you. This is about your identity and something you don’t feel you can change. With guilt, you feel bad about an action-something that you did. You feel bad that you may have hurt someone else. With guilt, you can apologize for the behavior. According to Tangey, we feel more exposed if we are feeling shame.

Michael R. Kauth, PhD talks about the LGBTQ population and the shame they feel about not fitting in with mainstream sexuality. Those who come out can experience greater self-esteem, as they are not trying to hide who they are. However, this is not just a one-time thing. We constantly meet new people so it’s a regular process. There is also risk that comes along with the coming out process and we never know how someone else will react to it.

Harriet Lerner, PhD says that shame is not the problem; it’s the avoidance of talking about shame that is the issue. She states, “Fear makes us afraid of the dark. Shame makes us afraid of the light.” As a result we want to hide who we are so our shame won’t see the light of day. It’s painful to expose it. She mentions that a way we hide it is through revenge, or shutting down. By opening up about your insecurities and vulnerabilities you can come to accept who you are.

Peter Fonagy, PhD says that our shame holds us back from sharing emotions. We do this because we fear losing relationships or group memberships. Shame can become so great that it leads to self-loathing. Shame may be linked to some sort of trauma from the past. When this is the case, the person becomes at a greater risk for suicide.

I can’t tell you how many people I have worked with who have some sort of addiction, whether it is drugs, alcohol, food, gambling, or sex, who deal with shame. It appears, as this is the driving force behind many of those behaviors that get people in trouble. If you are struggling with shame, or some type of addiction, I highly recommend that you get help. You are not alone and you don’t need to suffer in silence. Learning how to open up, be vulnerable and share your pain and shame is healing.

If you are feeling broken you may want to consider this quote by Ernest Hemingway. “The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.”

The Japanese also have an art form to repair broken bowls. They fill in the breaks with gold, making the piece even more beautiful. Just know that as you work on mending the areas you feel broken in, you too will become more beautiful.

Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 if you’d like to start working on your struggles.

Take care,

Debbie