May is Mental Health Awareness Month so I thought it might be helpful to share some nuggets of wisdom. These are topics that we tend to talk about over and over.  They include common relationship dynamics and behaviors that tend to be human nature. When I talk about these nuggets they seem so simple. Yet when we are struggling with ourselves or others it can be difficult to see these.

Mental Health Awareness

Turtle and Hailstorm

This is a term coined by Harville Hendrix PhD and Helen Hunt Phd. It is a common dynamic between couples. Often times, when there is conflict one person wants to talk it out and resolve it right away. They are the hailer and want to talk and talk. This will reduce that person’s anxiety.

Often times that person marries the turtle. The turtle wants to pull into its shell when conflict arises. It doesn’t feel safe with the other person hailing on them. The turtle needs more time to think and process. This will reduce their anxiety.

However the hailer may interpret this as the turtle not caring. This is not true in the least. If the hailer keeps hailing eventually the turtle will become a snapping turtle.

The way to resolve this is for the hailer to learn to slow down and give the turtle time. When the turtle feels safe he or she will be able to talk. If you are the turtle, it helps to give the hailer a time frame to come back and discuss the situation-such as an hour or two.

Thinker vs. processer

Often times one person (usually the type A person) can go from A-Z in no time flat when it comes to decision making. The other person is much more methodical and wants to go from A to B to C, etc. This can drive the other person crazy.

It’s important to recognize that there are pros and cons to each personality style. If things need to be decided on the spur of the moment the type A person is more helpful. In bigger picture decisions such as purchasing a home or car it may be more advantageous to take your time and do the research.

Relationships are like cats

I tell this to people all the time. It seems at times one person is so desperate to hang on to or control the other person. This will only push the other person away.

What happens if you run after a cat? The cat will run away. What happens if you let it be? Eventually it will come back to you.

Now some relationships are too far-gone and the other person might not come back. But if you push them, they will never come back.

Planner vs. spontaneous

This is another common relationship dynamic. Often time’s one person is the social chairman of the relationship. It’s typically the person who is an extravert. Often times the other person is willing to go along with whatever the plans are. Sometimes the other person who is often the introvert, may not be able to engage in as many social events as the extravert.

Where this can be a problem is when the planner gets frustrated with the other person, as they are not making any plans.

Sometimes this person is more go with the flow and spontaneous. They may want to see what opportunities open up in the moment.

Again, one is not right and the other wrong. They are just different styles.

Family dynamics well greased wheels

Family dynamics play a huge part in mental health awareness.

I always tell people that family dynamics are like well-greased wheels. Everyone knows how the others will respond based on years of experience. This can be functional or dysfunctional. There can be conflict if one person no longer wants to play in to the family dysfunction.

It is OK to set boundaries with family members who are toxic. People don’t like it when you set boundaries. Because of it their behavior might escalate. The person may try to make you feel guilty for saying no to someone. They might tell you that you are ungrateful and make you feel bad.

Guess what happens if you set a boundary, the other person escalates, and then you give in? It teaches them that they just need to escalate and they will get their own way. This only makes it more difficult the next time you go to set a boundary because they will escalate even further.

It’s OK to cut ties with toxic people

If you have tried to set boundaries and the other person will not accept them or mock you for setting them you have to decide if you want this person in your life. Now if it’s a family member that might be a little tricky. It might be that you limit your interaction with the other person.

For example if someone keeps complaining that you won’t do something for them, you say, “We are not going to talk about that topic and if you continue to bring it up, I’m going to have to hang up the phone, or leave (if you are with them in person).” Then you need to stick to that boundary. Don’t set it if you won’t stick to it.

Fight or flight and panic attacks

Many people find out about their panic attacks after a trip to the emergency room. You go to the ER because you think you are having a heart attack, only to find out that nothing is wrong with you.

When you have a panic attack, your fight or flight instinct is activated. Your body doesn’t know that you are safe; it is acting as if your life is in jeopardy. Your thought process has activated it. Any symptom you have with a panic attack can be explained by what happens to our body when we are met with a real threat. Our heart rate increases (heart racing), breathing rate increases (shortness of breath/light headed), digestion slows down, blood goes to the limb (tingling), etc.

The goal of anxiety management is not to get rid of your anxiety

We will never be totally rid of it, as we are wired to stay alive. According to the Yerkes-Dodson law, a small to moderate level of anxiety serves as motivator. If you didn’t have it, you wouldn’t be motivated to study for the test, or prepare for that presentation.

However there are things we can do to turn down the intensity of those feelings. I always tell people that anxiety is like a wave. Some are small little ripples, others will knock you to shore. But just like a wave, eventually your anxiety will decrease. So instead of fighting it, ride the wave.

Mental health awareness is something we can all benefit from. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 if I can help you out.

Take care,

Debbie