In this blog I will focus on how to stop self-sabotage. The previous blog described some of the common ways people do this. This list includes, missing deadlines or not being prepared, chronic lateness, drug and alcohol abuse, procrastination, emotional eating, leaving projects unfinished, ending relationships, and stop working on goals.

An exercise to help you stop self-sabotage

Describe on a piece of paper how you self-sabotage.

Do you engage in one of the above behaviors, or perhaps you do something different. What is it that prevents you from getting what you want?

What need does the unhealthy behavior fulfill? It might be something as simple as being bored or tired. A common acronym for people who abuse substances or food is HALT. This stand for: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired. Learning to deal with these times is the key. Remember, these are things we all feel at times.

List 3 other behaviors that you can do to take care of these feelings in a healthy way.

Do you need to eat something healthy? Can you address your anger in a healthy way, perhaps talking to the person who upset you? Can you call a friend to spend time with? Do you need a better sleep routine? Or is there something else you can do?

Know that obstacles will occur

These obstacles have been occurring for quite awhile, or you would be engaging in healthier behaviors. Knowing what will get in the way will help you be prepared. For example if you want to eat healthier what gets in your way? Perhaps it’s the bag of chips in the pantry. To avoid that obstacle, there are a number of things that might help. You might want to keep chips out of the house. If you want to eat them in moderation, would it help to buy individual packs-even though it will be more expensive? Maybe you just put a portion of chips on your plate, close the bag up and put it away. These are just a few suggestions.

Learn to tolerate the discomfort

First write down the feeling that occurs if you are not self-sabotaging. Is it anxiety, sadness, hurt, irritation, etc? Second ask yourself when this emotion comes up. What are the triggers for making it happen? Third instead of trying to get rid of the feeling, try to tolerate it for a little bit. Then over time, slowly increase this uncomfortable feeling. Fourth try to engage in a healthier behavior when this feeling is occurring. Fifth clarify your values. When you do this it helps you connect these new behaviors to your values and goals.

Chart your behavior to stop self-sabotage

It is very difficult to make a long-term behavior change. Keeping yourself accountable will help you stay on track. Here is a simple method.

At the top of the page make 5 columns

First column, write the date. Second column, write down the self-sabotaging behavior. In the third column write down the alternative behavior you used. If you didn’t use the healthier behavior, that is OK, simply write down a healthier behavior you can do in the future. In the fourth column write down how you felt before trying the alternative behavior. In the last column write you felt after you did the healthy behavior.

Track your negative self-talk

You may not be aware that you are engaging in negative self-talk prior to self-sabotage. The next time you do this, pay attention to what you are saying to yourself just before you do something unhealthy. Write down this negative self-talk. Being aware of something is the first step to change. Then once you realize you are saying negative things you can work on combating this feeling. What you would say to someone you love if they voiced those negative feelings to you. This is what you should now say to yourself.

Next ask yourself where these thoughts come from or what is behind them. Are these thoughts even rational? Is there proof behind them? Where is the evidence?

Combatting negative self thoughts

We want to learn to practice saying what is a little more realistic. For example if you are beating yourself up for eating too many chips, instead of saying, “I’m fat and lazy,” replace it with something more realistic, such as, “I had a really rough day today and I am working on dealing with my feelings vs. turning to food.” Remember, we are all works in progress. Some days will be better than others. Perhaps you are making progress and are not even aware of it. Be sure to celebrate those small successes.

Finally when you can improve on your self-talk, you will be more positive. You will have the emotional, mental and physical energy and be more likely to achieve your goals. Remember, if you have a large goal; break it up in to small manageable parts. Celebrate when you achieve those smaller pieces as they are all getting you to where you want to be.

If you need to stop self-sabotage, therapy can help. I can’t tell you how many clients keep regular sessions (further spreading them out as time goes by), just to be held accountable. I ask my clients if they would like to set a goal between this session and next one. If they do, I write it down. The client knows I am writing it down and will be asking them about it at our next session.

Give me a call at 713-304-6554 if I can help you out.

Take care,

Debbie