The more I conduct therapy the more I learn about couples communication. Yes, there are all sorts of experts in this field with all kinds of research. While I use these as a model on how to work with couples, it is impossible to ignore the nuances that perhaps can’t be researched that play out in the therapy room.
You may wonder what that is, and the answer is what the other person thinks, perceives and assumes. Again this is based on my personal experience and not research, yet I find it fascinating. Remember, I too am human and in relationships, so I learn from what I see.
How couples communication plays out
We all engage in dynamic conversations, back and forth. The way we respond is based on what we know about a person and how the world works for us. I think that what gets a person in trouble is that they assume that you think the same way they do.
We all come to our feelings and perspectives based on what the world has taught us. This is different for everyone, as no two people have the exact same life experience. Most people fight about mundane things. People realize this yet don’t know how to change it. This is a huge aspect in couples communication.
You can only change yourself
That brings me to another area in couples communication and that is people are more than happy to bring in a whole list of complaints about their partner. They say he/she did this and that. Or if only he/she would/wouldn’t do this, everything would be fine. It is much easier to blame your partner than to look at yourself. Conflict does not occur in a vacuum. It takes two to keep it going.
You cannot change your partner. You can only change yourself. If a certain dynamic is not working in your relationship, you can choose to respond differently. If you do that it changes the whole dynamic. Your partner will be thrown off balance and will have to respond differently. It is possible to get your needs met.
How to change the dynamic in couples communication
In order to change this dynamic it is important to watch your tone and the way you talk to your partner. Instead of getting angry at what your partner says, get curious. Ask him or her what is making them feel that way. Remember do not start with the word ‘why’ as it puts people on the defensive. You want your partner to feel safe to be able to express their point of view and where they are coming from.
So many people get into trouble assuming their partner means one thing or another. We cannot know if we do not ask. This is where peoples past can influence why they may assume something. For instance, if you were in a serious relationship in the past and that person cheated, you might be hyper aware of your new partner. You may assume that they are cheating on you if they come home later than usual, don’t respond to a message right away, or aren’t as upfront with you on every little issue. Some people go as far as to say their partner can’t talk to anyone that they find attractive. Or ask if any of their work partners are nice looking, then assume their partner is interested in that person.
These are impossible rules to live by. So you can see that based on your own perspective you might assume things that are not true. On the other hand, of course you might be right. Your partner might be cheating. Again, we don’t know this until you have a discussion with the other person.
You are both right
People fail to realize that there are two people in the relationship with two different perspectives. One person is not right and the other wrong. You are both right. There are two very valid perspectives. I always tell couples when they come into therapy that there is nothing wrong with either of you. The problem is not with one person, the problem is the dynamic between the two of you. This is what needs to be worked on and what couples communication is all about.
I do have to laugh at times because it seems as if the one partner has a list of allegedly horrible things that their partner has done, then I will just berate the partner and tell them what a horrible person they are. Do you honestly think anyone would come back for a second session if that were what happens? Again, there are two perspectives. It is important to ask yourself what part you play in the dynamic.
There are exceptions to this rule. One of them being violence. Violence in a relationship is never OK. In other situations such as drug and alcohol abuse, it is your choice if you want to stay in that relationship. You cannot control the other person’s usage. You can go to Al-anon, set boundaries or leave the relationship.
Let’s just acknowledge that even the best of relationships are difficult at times. How you respond to your partner can make the difference between a minor incident and a huge blow out. If you are struggling with couples communication, therapy can help. If your partner doesn’t want to come in, then by all means come in by yourself. Because if you change how you behave, your partner will respond to you differently.
Take care,
Debbie
