One of my favorite topics to write about are boundaries. They are crucial to our mental health. It is like a cell membrane that protects us from outside forces. We allow what is healthy to cross the membrane, and keep things out that are toxic.
If only it were this simple. Some people have cell membranes that are too porous, others that are too rigid. This can be harmful to our self and our relationships.
Remember, boundaries are not to make other people happy, but to protect our self.
There are many different types of boundaries. Below are some important ones to consider.
Types of Boundaries
Boundaries with Time
This has to do with how you choose to spend your time. Are there people who impinge on these boundaries? Perhaps they expect you to do more than you are willing to do.
We only have so much time in our day. It is important that we honor ourselves. Some people need more alone time than others. If someone asks you to do something and you don’t have time, will you say no?
What do you think will happen if you say yes and you don’t really have the time, or it isn’t something you want to do with your time? You will eventually become resentful, and your self-esteem can suffer.
On the flip side, if you did agree to spend time with someone, and it no longer works for you, it is OK to back out. You can let the other person know that you have overcommitted yourself and you won’t be able to spend time with that person.
Mental
These have to do with your thoughts. You may think differently than someone else, and you are entitled to your own opinion.
In healthy relationships we respect thoughts and opinions that are different than our own. In addition, we deserve the same respect.
Remember we all come to our thoughts and opinions based on what the world has taught us, and that is different for everyone.
Conversational
This has to do with what you are willing to talk about. Some topics may be off the table for discussion. You have the right to keep things personal, and choose not to share all with others. Obviously we only want to share our vulnerabilities with people who are safe. We know that these conversations will be kept quiet.
Perhaps you are around people who like to gossip and that is not something you are comfortable with. It is OK the let others know that, or just change the topic.
Some people might cross these boundaries unintentionally, as we may also do. Others may have do so intentionally, which is a sign of toxicity.
Internal boundaries
These are the ones that go on in your own head. What do you do with your angry feelings? Hopefully you deal with them in an appropriate way. Exploding will not help the situation at all.
Most of us have a filter. We might think something really negative about another person, or want to curse and call people names. It’s perfectly fine to do all these in our head, but what comes out, must be calmer. Obviously if we don’t have a filter, we will have few relationships. I always say that if people could read each other’s minds, we would have no friends.
Intimate
This has to do with your physical body. Who do you allow into your private personal space? You get to decide who touches you, and how they touch you.
Some people are fine with public displays of affection. On the flip side, others are not comfortable with this at all. It is important that we honor the physical boundaries of others and vice versa.
Material
This has to do with our personal possessions and money. Who do we share these with? Perhaps you might lend a very close friend or family member some money. Maybe you give it as a gift.
Clearly, there are some people we would let borrow our personal possessions. These would be the people we know would take good care of these items. In contrast, we all know people who don’t take care of their own things, so why would we let them use ours?
Again, this means saying no if someone wants to borrow something from you, and you are not comfortable.
Emotional Boundaries
Emotional boundaries involve separating your feelings from someone else’s. It is not your job to be responsible for anyone else’s feelings other than your own. No one should sacrifice his or her own feelings to make someone else happy.
If you don’t set these boundaries, you will lose your sense of self. This can happen in controlling relationships. You just do what the other person wants to make them happy.
It is too much of a burden to be responsible for someone else’s feelings.
As you can see, boundaries are so critical to our sense of well-being. I work with clients all the time on this topic. If you feel that you need to set boundaries in your relationship(s), therapy can help. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can help you lead the life that you want and deserve.
Take care,
Debbie
