Most families are unique and different, yet they don’t engage in dysfunction. Others may seem a little weird. Or perhaps they seem weird simply because they are different from our own. You may wonder which category yours falls into. In dysfunctional family systems, the physical or emotional well being of the members are at risk.

However, we all tend to think that our family is normal, and other families do things the same way. Until we get to know other families, we don’t know anything different. If you aren’t sure if your family is dysfunctional, here are some things to consider from Between Sessions.

Indicators of dysfunction in a family

Addiction

If there is any alcohol or drug addiction in your family, there is dysfunction. Often times it’s the elephant in the room that no one wants to address for fear of how the addict will respond. Others enable the behavior and people clean up the mess so as to keep it a secret within the family.

However, if you grow up in this type of family system, it is hard for you to get your needs met. Much of the emotional energy goes into the problem with the substance abuser.

Need to be perfect

These family’s expectations are too high. No one can meet this standard. I have had clients who say that if they didn’t get an A in their class that they would be in trouble. Often times, the person with the high standards didn’t even meet them when they were in school. This just instills fear and resentment.

Lack of communication

People do not discuss family problems. As a result, they are swept under the rug. Thus, people do not feel free to express their opinions, as there is blaming, shaming, invalidating or finding a scapegoat.

Abuse or neglect-a red flag of dysfunction

We hate to think that these things go on in families, yet they do. The abuse can be physical, emotional or sexual. Often times the person who is suffering the abuse is made to feel that they deserve it. No one deserves to suffer any type of abuse, for any reason.

Unpredictability

In this type of situation the child doesn’t know how the parent will act or react. It can lead to people being afraid to interact. One time the behavior might be OK and then the next time it is not OK. This leaves people walking on eggshells because they don’t know what is OK and what is not OK. The child might also have to gage the situation to determine if they need to lay low or hide.

Conditional love

In healthy family systems there is unconditional love. Unconditional love is given freely with no strings attached. In dysfunctional families, that love is conditional. The parent only gives love if the child does what he or she wants. Conditional love can lead to all kinds of emotional problems such as low self-esteem, anxiety and depression. The child may become a people pleaser just to be loved. This can also set that person for someone to abuse them or take advantage of them.

Challenges with intimacy

In order to have emotional intimacy with others, you need to feel safe. Safety and trust are building blocks of a relationship. If this is not modeled in your family of origin, it’s very difficult to engage in. This may result in your own relationships being superficial. Most humans crave a deeper connection with others.

In alcoholic family systems, the child may be put in the role of a parent at a young age. The substance abuser relies on the oldest child, who may feel that this is true intimacy. Yet children should not be responsible for adult problems. This can set you up to be a caretaker of a substance abuser in the future.

Lack of boundaries is family dysfunction

In healthy families, boundaries are clear and predictable. In dysfunctional families, these boundaries are fluid. Parents may be overly controlling and not take their children’s feelings or desires into account. Thus, people may be forced to do things they don’t want to do, are inappropriate or unsafe. As a result, the children may feel as if they have no autonomy.

It may be surprising to find out that your family is dysfunctional. No one wants to think that about their family. Yet there are consequences to growing up in that type of family system. It impacts your sense of self-worth and impacts you emotionally.

Most importantly it gives you a template for how relationships work. We tend to fall in love with someone who recreates our family of origin dynamics, the good, the bad and the ugly. This is all done subconsciously because who would choose to be in an abusive relationship?

If you are struggling with your family of origin, and recognize dysfunction, it helps to talk with someone who is non-judgmental and not emotionally involved in your situation. If you are struggling in your relationships, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie