Is your relationship struggling? Do you argue about the same thing over and over again? You try to be understood and it falls on deaf ears. Perhaps you have no idea what to do next or how to improve things, and your partner refuses to come in. If this is the case, couples therapy for one is the solution.
This struggle in relationships is common. You both have valid perspectives. We come to our viewpoints based on what the world has taught us. That is different for everyone. In addition, our families all have different cultures and expectations. This may be very different from your partners. How you negotiate and smooth over the different ways of doing things will determine the contentedness is your relationship.
If you come in solo and we work on your piece of the interaction, it will impact the dynamics of the relationship. Because you will now be behaving differently, it unbalances the dynamics and your partner will have to respond differently. This is how couples therapy for one can greatly impact your relationship.
In the best of worlds, both partners want to come in to work on the relationship. However, there may be several reasons why your partner won’t come in.
Reasons people won’t come to couples therapy
Culture/family
Some cultures or families believe that you keep your personal stuff in the family. You don’t bring in outsiders. There can also be a sense of shame in needing help, as if you are supposed to be able to handle everything on your own.
Fear of being blamed
One partner might think that the therapist will put the blame on them. As I mentioned earlier, there are 2 very valid perspectives. You are both right, in whatever your struggles are.
If your partner had an affair or a substance use problem, they may feel shame.
Realistically do you think anyone would come back for a second session if the therapist blamed one person? Both perspectives need to be heard and understood.
Refusing to take responsibility
Sometimes one partner thinks the other person is the problem. If that person would just get fixed, then there wouldn’t be a problem in the relationship. We all know that conflict takes two people. We each have a part in whatever conflict we have.
Emotional pain
It is not easy to come in and talk about your problems. Most people who come to therapy are in a great deal of emotional pain. It does make you vulnerable and that is not easy.
What couples therapy for one looks like
First of all, if you are the person coming in solo, I applaud you. It is a very difficult place to be. You are willing to get the ball rolling, even if your partner won’t.
Your piece in the interaction
As I just mentioned, conflict takes two people. So if you are the person who is coming in, you also play a part. We can listen to your side of things, and how you present them to your partner. Perhaps you are doing something that is starting or maintaining the argument and you don’t even know it. We all have blind spots.
Tone
Tone is huge in relationships and conflict. It will have a big impact on getting your needs met. It is common to respond defensively if we feel we are being attacked.
Research shows that women are the ones who are most likely to have what John Gottman PhD refers to as harsh startup. As women we tend to just barrel right in when we are not happy.
In addition, our partner can tell the slightest change in our tone. They know us well. Your tone may be something to work on.
Template for resolving conflict
Gottman also has a wonderful model to resolve conflict in a way we can each feel heard, understood and respected. First, you want to start with an ‘I’ statement. Second state your feelings. Finally state your positive need that is not being met.
Example
Instead of saying, “Can’t you ever put your dishes in the dishwasher?” say, “I feel frustrated when you don’t put your dishes in the dishwasher. I would appreciate it if you did because a messy sink stresses me out.”
Based on which tactic we choose, we will get very different responses. If you ask nicely you are much more likely to get your needs met.
If your partner was in the session with you, we would have him/her repeat back to you what you said, and then tell you why it makes sense that you would feel that way.
So he/she might say something like, “It makes sense that you would feel that way because you like a clean house.”
How couples therapy for one helps
You coming in alone may change your partners mind. Perhaps if you make the appointment your partner will decide to come in too. He or she might decide they want to have their part of the conflict heard.
If your partner won’t come in for couples therapy, there might be the possibility that they will come in to supposedly help you with your problem-even though we know it takes two.
If you are struggling in your relationship and your partner won’t come in, then we can still work on improving your relationship. Give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can get started.
Take care,
Debbie
