As a therapist I have seen and heard all kinds of emotional manipulation. This form of abuse is used to gain power or control over someone. It is often subtle, making you wonder if it is really occurring, or making you feel like you are going crazy, and have to walk on eggshells. It can lead to a lot of confusion and anxiety. You may think you are responsible for the manipulators behavior. The person typically plays on the fears or insecurities of the person they are going to manipulate.
The manipulator may have grown up in a household where this was commonplace. We learn what we live with. On the other hand, they may feel insecure and use manipulation to make themselves feel more powerful. In reality, these people have low self-esteem, and don’t want to face their own feelings or flaws.
In this blog I’ll talk about the different types of emotional manipulation, signs that it is occurring and how you can protect yourself from it.
Types of emotional manipulation
Gaslighting
This occurs when someone denies that something happened, or tells you that you are imagining things. They may feed you false information. Over time, it may make you doubt your perceptions or sanity. Another tactic is to tell the person that they are overreacting or going crazy.
Guilt and emotional manipulation
People who use emotional manipulation try to control their victim by making them feel guilty. They may make the other person feel that they are responsible for the feelings of the manipulator. A reason they use this tactic is to get the person to do something they don’t want to do, or normally wouldn’t do.
Silent treatment
With the silent treatment the manipulator won’t acknowledge or talk to the other person. They do this to get their way. They may withhold love and support leaving the other person feeling desperate or anxious. One person may not talk to the other person until they apologize for something they may not even have done.
Playing the victim
The person may play the victim to get attention or get the other person to do something for them. It is a way to deny their own poor behavior to get control of the situation.
Triangulation
This occurs when the manipulator brings in a third person to create some kind of havoc. They may compare you to the person to make you jealous or feel bad about yourself.
Projection
When the manipulator accuses you of doing something that the manipulator had done. They are putting their stuff on you. For example, if they are cheating, they will accuse you of cheating.
Signs of emotional manipulation
Behavior that is not consistent is another sign. The person may vacillate between being kind and cruel. This leads to feeling off balance. You don’t know what kind of behavior to expect.
Criticism
If the person puts you down all the time, or gives you off handed complements, this is criticism. They might couch it as concern, yet it makes you feel bad about yourself.
Feeling exhausted
If you feel drained or exhausted after being with someone, it is a sign the relationship may be toxic and abusive. It is not good for your mental health.
Walking on eggshells
This is never a good sign. It is a huge red flag and you should run. Being with the person is like walking on a land mine. You never know when it will blow.
Blaming you
If the person blames you for things that are their fault, this is another sign. Emotional manipulators don’t take responsibility for their actions.
How to protect yourself from emotional manipulation
Trust your gut
I always tell people that your gut is your guide. No one knows it better than you. If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. Don’t ignore this.
Boundaries and emotional manipulation
It is important that you have firm boundaries, as this lets the person know what behaviors you will accept and what you won’t. Don’t set one unless you are willing to stick to it. Remember, boundaries are to protect you, not make others happy. The person will push your boundaries. If you hold firm, they will eventually back off. Don’t let them bully you into changing your mind.
Talk to someone you trust
This person can give you an outside perspective. It can be friends, family or a therapist. Doing so can help you stand up to the bully as well as set appropriate boundaries.
Self-care and emotional manipulation
You may feel as if this person is chipping your soul away. It is important that you continue to do the things that make you happy. Spend time with friends; engage in activities you enjoy, or things that bring you peace. The stronger you feel about yourself, the better you will be able to stand up to the person manipulating you.
If you are unsure if you are a being emotionally manipulated, have trouble with boundaries, or just need an outside perspective, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can get you the help that you need.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas
