You may or may not have heard of ghosting. In case you aren’t aware of the term, it is when someone cuts you off for no reason. This term came about from the dating apps. After connecting with someone they just stop responding out of the clear blue.  When this occurs you have no idea why or what is going on.  Ghosting can be via text, phone or email.

Obviously this wouldn’t feel good to anyone, especially if it seems as if you hit it off. Most of us would want to know why this person stopped responding. Hopefully we didn’t do something to offend them. On the flip side, it may not be anything we did. In addition, there is no closure involved, which leaves the person continuing to wonder. Rejection hurts, but at least we have some sort of clue why the person is no longer has an interest in us.

According to a research study 25% of people on dating apps say they have been a victim of ghosting. On the flips side, 20% said they had done the ghosting.

Reasons why people engage in ghosting

They don’t want to communicate their feelings

It could be that the person does not want to hurt your feeling if they no longer want to see you. They may also fear conflict. It is easier not to communicate than have to deal with conflict.

However, it would be kinder to let the person know that you don’t think you are a good fit or you aren’t ready to get serious. It is not easy to let someone down gently, but it is much kinder to let them know so they can have closure and move on.

It’s also important that you learn how to express your feelings, as it is a part of any healthy relationship. So why not practice with someone you are not interested in? That way when you are in a relationship with someone you do care about, you will have practice.

Ghosting when overwhelmed

The other person may be going through something difficult, have a lot on their plate and not have the emotional energy to have a conversation about ending a relationship. Perhaps they got some bad news or a health issue that you don’t know about.

Uncertainty

They may not know how they feel. Perhaps they want a new relationship, but have been hurt in the past and are afraid. They may have thought they were ready to date and realize that they are not.

Again, this is not to say that the behavior is OK, it’s just to help you better understand it.

Abusive behavior

If someone is being abusive or not respecting your boundaries, then it is appropriate to ghost. If this is the case, I recommend blocking the person. No one should be expected to put up with that type of behavior.

What to do if someone is ghosting you

Give it time

If someone hasn’t given a response with in 24 hours, you can reach out again and see if they are OK. If they do not respond, then it is best to let it go.

There may have a good reason they aren’t responding and you just don’t know it yet.

Ghosting is about them, not you

Instead of assuming there is something wrong with you, and taking a hit to your self-esteem, remind yourself that it is about the other person. They don’t have the integrity to have a difficult conversation. Or perhaps they are not mature enough-all signs that are not good for a relationship.

Reflect on the relationship

Did you miss any signs that the person was losing interest, or they might not be in a place to have a new relationship? Were there any other red flags?

On the flip side, if you know you made the person feel unsafe or were stalking them, ask yourself what you can do differently next time.

Move on

It is important to accept that you may never know the answer. Don’t spend too much time worrying about it. Move on to the next person, and see how it goes. I know this is easier said than done.

Practice self-care

Spend time with people who love you and want you around. My guess is that you have some friends or family members who make you feel good about yourself. In addition, be sure you are engaging in hobbies, exercising, doing yoga or some type of relaxation.

Obviously, ghosting can be devastating. It is important to remember that it is about the persons inability to have an uncomfortable conversation. If you are struggling with this, please give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can come up with a plan that best suits you.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas, PhD