Learning how to set boundaries is one of my favorite topics to talk and write about. I always tell people, don’t set a boundary unless you are willing to stick to it. Why is it so hard to stick to a boundary? Some people fear that others won’t like them, or will be upset with them. Others try to make everyone happy. Have you ever tried to make everyone happy? If so, how is that working for you?

Most people who are people pleasers just want to have peace. Unfortunately when you do that, your own needs are typically sacrificed. When that continues you lose your sense of self, and don’t know who you are anymore.

How to set boundaries with family

I love to use the example of how to set boundaries in families. Our families are like well-greased wheels. These family dynamics have been there forever, some of these boundaries are spoken, and some are unspoken. Again, these dynamics may be healthy or unhealthy. Yet we are so caught up in them, we might not even realize that there are glaring violations.

Result of setting boundaries

What do you think happens when you decide to set a healthy boundary? People don’t like. Because they don’t like it their behavior will escalate. They might tell you that you are ungrateful or selfish. They might say that they can’t believe you won’t do it, or try to guilt you into it by reminding you of all the things they have done for you.

What do you think happens if you give in to their manipulation? You have now taught them that they just need to throw a fit to get what they want.

On the flip side, what do you think happens if you stand firm with your boundary? Remember, all human behavior has a purpose. So if you don’t give in to their fit, they will realize that it isn’t working and they are starting to look silly. Eventually they will stop.

Impact on relationships

Now, this will have an impact on this relationship. It might be positive or negative. Here are a few possibilities. If the person is healthy, they will respect your boundary right off the bat. If the person has unhealthy boundaries, they may choose to spend less time with you, give you the silent treatment, or no longer have a relationship with you.

Guess what, life is too short. We don’t need to keep toxic people in our lives. As you continue to set appropriate boundaries, you will learn that healthier people will come into your life.

Examples of how to set boundaries

Alcoholic family systems

In alcoholic family systems, all kinds of boundary violations are typically occurring. It is very difficult to set boundaries with family. It could be one person has a problem with drinking, and the rest of the family tiptoes around that person. There is also the enabler that lets the person drink to excess with no consequences.

Another difficult situation is when the whole family drinks and one person wants to get sober. It is so hard to stay sober when your spouse and family also drink to excess.

I had a client who was trying to get sober, yet every weekend the whole family was together and partying. How does this person stand a chance?

I also can’t tell you how many couples I’ve worked with who both drink, yet one drinks to excess. The person, who doesn’t have a problem, wants their partner to drink in moderation, yet moderation doesn’t work for that person. They don’t want to give up their alcohol just because their partner has a problem. This makes things incredibly difficult.

A personal example

I recently had a run in with someone who didn’t like or respect my boundaries. My mother is currently in the hospital after having a stroke. She does not look good at all. One of the ladies (let’s call her Sue) in her senior living home came to visit, took a picture and was showing it around to several other residents. My mother was sick and vulnerable and would not be happy having that picture shown to others.

Let me back up and mention I hadn’t heard of this woman prior to mom going into the hospital. As it turns Sue is the daughter of a resident at the senior living home and has lunch with her mother daily. It was very sweet of Sue to visit and we began texting about a few things. I did think it was a little odd at first how much Sue was visiting, but mom seemed OK with it.

I texted Sue to please stop showing this picture to others, it felt like a violation. Typically Sue has been very verbose in her texting. She took a day to respond and said, “Got it.” I thanked her and asked about her mother. I didn’t hear anything for another day. Then I get a text at 4 am saying that clearly I didn’t know the meaning of friendship, and she deleted the picture to my delight.

Results of my boundary setting

Clearly she did not like my boundary. Again this was to protect my mother. Her behavior escalated. Guess what, I didn’t respond. She didn’t respect my boundary and nothing I would say would be helpful. She is toxic to me, and I won’t engage.

It certainly didn’t feel good to be attacked, but that was more about her and not me. I was very cordial and kind in my wording. I tried to repair the rupture and asked her about her mother, but she wasn’t interested in the repair as she felt the need to attack me.

If you find it hard to set boundaries, therapy can help. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie