There are several relationship dynamics that occur during conflict. The way you attempt to resolve your conflict can either cement or destroy your emotional connection. This bond is what draws you together. It’s critical for each of you to feel emotionally safe in your relationship. Trust grows with this.
Of course in the beginning of our relationship this happens so easily. When we fall in love it is the most wonderful thing in the world. We can’t stop thinking about our partner and the world has never been brighter. This honeymoon phase lasts from 6 months to 2 years. After that real life sets in and we recognize that our partner is human and has flaws just like the rest of us.
As time goes on you might start bickering over small things or larger things. This certainly doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed, it means you are normal. The piece that is so critical to maintaining your emotional connection is how your resolve those conflicts. There are some common relationship patterns or pitfalls that we engage in.
Common relationship dynamics
Emotional bank account
We may not realize it but we all have this notion of an emotional bank account. It doesn’t just exist in our romantic relationships, but also in our friendships. Whenever you say or do something kind for your partner, it counts as a deposit. If you say something hurtful or argue it counts as a withdrawal. At a minimum the deposit to withdrawal ratio should be 5:1. In thriving relationships the ratio is to 20:1. So as long as there are several more deposits you are good. I always tell couples that by the time they end up in couples counseling their bank accounts are overdrawn.
Turtle and hailstorm
This is another common relationship dynamic. The hailstorm is the person who talks and talks when there is conflict. They want to work it out right away, as this will reduce their anxiety.
Then there is the turtle. This is the person who needs time to think and process. All this information coming in at once is overwhelming. Just like a turtle, they will pull into their shell as its unsafe to be out. This is how the turtle reduces their anxiety.
If you are the hailstorm, it’s important to realize that your partner has shut down. Ask yourself what you did to shut your partner down. If you are the turtle, it’s important to slowly stick your head out to see if it’s safe.
Gottman relationship dynamics during conflict
John Gottman PhD has found 4 relationship dynamics that are problematic. We all engage in at least one of these. The important thing to ask yourself is which ones you think you do. People are more than happy to point out their partner’s flaws. But guess what? We can’t change our partner; we can only change our self.
Criticism
Behind every criticism is a positive need that is not being met. If you ask to have your positive need met, you have a much better chance of getting it than complaining to your partner.
Defensiveness
It’s important when you are address concerns that you start with an ‘I’ statement and state your feeling. What do you think happens if you start with the word ‘you’? You put your partner on the defensive. The antidote to defensiveness is to take responsibility for your actions.
Contempt
This occurs if you act like you are smarter or more adult like than your partner. You talk down to them or call them names. No one likes being belittled. Gottman says that this is the biggest predictor of divorce and must be eliminated.
Stonewalling
When this occurs the person has shut down (like the turtle). He or she has stopped talking or gives the impression that they are done with the conversation. The other person might think that they don’t care. Yet the opposite is true. If we were to take the heart rate of the person who has shut down it would be sky high. In order to engage they would need to have time to calm down.
If you are the person who has shut down, it helps to let your partner know how much time you need before you can resolve your conflict. Be specific – ex. 1 or 2 hours. This will help ease their anxiety, as they know you will come back and discuss the issue. Then both of you need to do something that will reduce your anxiety. Do you need to process things, phone a friend, be in nature, take a walk or listen to music?
It is important that you honor the other person’s time line. Often times the one who wants to work things out right away will follow the other person or prevent them from leaving. This is the worst thing you can do. It only extends the time line when the other person will be able to resolve the issue.
Win-win
Only when you can understand your partner’s perspective can you work out your differences. This isn’t about 1 person being right and the other wrong. As crazy as this may sound, you are both right. Each of your perspectives is valid. We come to our thoughts and feelings based on what the world has taught us and that is different for everyone.
Relationships are hard. If you live with someone you will have conflict and that is normal. How you resolve that conflict is what can make or break your relationship. If you struggle with communication or other relationship dynamics, therapy can help.
Please give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can work on some tools to get you to a better place in your relationship.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas
