When you first fall in love you are on cloud nine. The thought of relationship problems do not even exist. Just about every waking minute is filled with thoughts of your partner. You can’t wait to be with that person. It is like a drug and you can’t get enough of it. This person can do no wrong and you put them on a pedestal.

Just like the effect of any drug, eventually it will wear off. We are talking about the honeymoon phase of a relationship, which lasts from 6 months to 2 years. As time goes on, we realize our partner is human just like the rest of us. Then eventually they start to do things that irritate you, and you may start to notice some relationship problems. Don’t worry this is all normal.

Perhaps you are thinking of getting married, and want to be sure you are on the right track. Some people come in for premarital counseling either to discuss an issue, or to learn more about things that can be problematic in relationships.

An excellent book by Gary Chapman is Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married. Each chapter has a different topic of something to consider. Even if you have been married for a while, this book will explain some common relationship problems.

How to avoid relationship problems

Learn how to forgive

If you hold on to a grudge, you will have difficulty in a long-term relationship. It causes resentment to build. Most partners don’t do things to purposely hurt you. Some things they do may have that unintended consequence.

I’ve also heard that resentment is like drinking battery acid and expecting the other person’s stomach to rot out. You need to ask yourself how long you want to stew in your stuff. Forgiveness is actually for you, not the other person.

Do you want children?

This is extremely important to discuss prior to marriage. If one of you really wants children and the other doesn’t, it can be a deal breaker. You cannot go into a marriage hoping that your partner will change his or her mind. It will only lead to further heartache and pain.

Will you bring up your children with a certain faith?

Is one of you more religious or spiritual than the other? If so, will you raise the child in that person’s faith? Do you want to introduce them to several different faiths? Perhaps you don’t have any specific religion and don’t want that to be a part of your family.

This is another discussion that is too important to put off prior to marriage.

The influence of mother on daughter and father on son is pervasive

We tend to marry someone who will in some way, shape or form recreate our family of origin dynamics. That means the good stuff as well as the bad stuff. We are products of our environment and the way we were raised will spill over into our marriage.

Your mom or dad teaches you how to be in a relationship and what that looks like for you. If you grew up in a dysfunctional family system, you will often times find someone who will repeat that same dynamic.

You need to learn to resolve relationship problems in a healthy manner

All relationships have conflict. John Gottman PhD has a great template for how to resolve conflict in a way where you can both be heard, understood and respected.

To use this model, first start with an, ‘I’ statement, second state your feelings and third your positive need that isn’t being met. Then your partner repeats back to you what they heard you say. After that he or she tells you why it makes sense that you would feel that way.

Learn how to apologize to avoid further relationship problems

This is part of resolving conflict. We know it takes 2 people to do so. Conflict doesn’t occur in a vacuum. So even if you are sure you are right, you play a piece in the conflict. That is the piece you apologize for. Even if you think you are not at fault, you can apologize for your tone, or for hurting your partner. In an ideal situation, after you take responsibility for your piece, your partner will then take responsibility for theirs.

Remember, you want this to be a win-win. If someone wins and the other loses, it’s not good for your relationship.

How will the chores be divided up?

This can be another sticky subject. Most people do not enjoy doing the chores, but unfortunately they must be done. You might also want to have a discussion about what chores their moms or dads did as it might impact their expectations. For instance, if dad did nothing and mom did all the chores, will that fly in your relationship? It might be challenging if that is the case.

You might want to start with asking your partner their least favorite chore. As long as that’s not your least favorite, perhaps you can do that one. On the flip side you might pick a time where you both do your chores. There are many ways to work this out, and it is important to have a discussion about it.

These are just a few of the topics in Chapman’s book. There is also one on how personalities play out in the relationship. I’d highly recommend it.

If you are thinking of getting married or moving in together, you might want to consider couples or premarital counseling. It can help the transition go a little more smoothly.

Give me a call at 713-304-6554 if I can help.

Take care,

Debbie