Do you sometimes wonder why you might not have a happy relationship? John Gottman PhD says, “The problem in unhappy relationships is not that people need to be more positive-it’s that they need to notice the positive that’s already there.” The perspective you take in your relationship is huge. What you look for you will find.

Couples counseling

I can’t tell you how many couples come in to my office only to tell me how horrible their partner is. Perhaps they want me to say, “Yes, your partner is so bad and they need to change because what is going on in your relationship is all their fault.” Realistically anyone who comes for couples counseling may not think they have a happy relationship.

Obviously it takes two to tango. The issue isn’t that it is his/her fault; the issue is the dynamic between the two of you. Relationships don’t happen in a vacuum. You interact in some way, shape or form that perpetuates the dynamic.

You are both right

Another thing that couples have a hard time understanding is that one person is not right and the other wrong. You are both right. There are two very valid perspectives in every relationship. The challenge is hearing and understanding your partner’s perspective. This is key for a happy relationship.

We all want to be heard and understood in our relationship. This is all so much easier said than done.

If we sit and dissect any misunderstanding we can see that you are both right. We all come to our decisions, thoughts and feelings based on what the world has taught us. As you meet more and more people you see how different everyone’s worlds are.

This certainly doesn’t mean that you have to agree with your partner’s perspective; it just means you need to understand where the person is coming from.

The assumptions you make

It’s also interesting to hear people discuss their challenges and the assumptions they make about their partner’s actions and responses. Most people are not evil and trying to hurt their partner. They just interpret things differently and misunderstand the other person’s intentions.

If you continuously make assumptions that are not true, then you are harming your relationships. It is imperative to sit down and truly hear what the other person is saying without interrupting. Get curious. Ask questions. Do so in a calm voice. If your partner escalates, you don’t have to join them. This is where you might be perpetuating the issue.

The backhanded compliment

I’ve worked with couples that think they are complimenting their partner, but then at the end of the sentence, they throw in a jab. I read something that it’s like getting a kiss and a slap at the same time.

I was working with a couple and the husband made a comment about fearing that his wife wouldn’t be there for him if she needed him. Yet he recently had an accident and she was there for the surgery and homecoming. However, shortly after he was home, she did end up going out to an event that she felt was important to her career. She left him for a few hours. It was safe to leave him, but it wasn’t his preference. So in his mind, his wife wasn’t there for him.

When challenged on the issue he admitted she was there for the accident. Thus we could conclude that if he needed her for an emergency situation or illness that she would be there. Now she might not be at his beck and call for weeks on end, but she was there for him in the time of crisis.

If he had a different perspective and looked at the positives vs. the deficits, he might think differently. Perhaps his thought process would be something along the lines of; she was there for me in a time of crisis. I can count on her. I know she will be there for me when I need her. She took good care of me.

Even if he wasn’t happy when she went out, he could think that he was safe at home. He wasn’t in danger. She took care of my needs before she left and I will be OK for a few hours while she takes care of business.

A complaint is a positive need that is not being met

Other times one person complains about how they are so much busier than their partner and do so much more around the house than their partner. He or she might say that the other person does nothing around the house. In rare instances, this is true. However upon further exploration the partner might be doing a lot more than realized. It could be that one person takes care of the outside chores and house maintenance and the partner says he or she does nothing around the house. However, if the person chose to look at the positives they might recognize those things the partner does do.

In this case is the partner needs help its fair to ask, “Would you mind taking out the trash, bathe the kids, etc.” Perhaps they might get their needs met.

Being able to recognize the things your partner does do, vs. doesn’t do will make you happier in your relationship.

If you feel you do not have a happy relationship, things are unbalanced, you aren’t getting your needs met, or having the same argument over and over, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554 and we can get your relationship on a better track.

Take care,

Debbie