Could you be co-dependent? Do you know what it really means? I think most people have heard the term before. It does not mean that you are financially dependent on someone else. It means that your mood is based on the feelings of others. You don’t know what your thoughts and feelings are, as you live based on the thoughts and feelings of someone else.
Origin of the Term
Traditionally this term came from relationships in which one person was an alcoholic or substance abuser. The co-dependent was the enabler-the one who allowed the substance abuse to continue by not setting appropriate boundaries. This could also refer to someone in an abusive relationship.
Signs of Co-dependency
- People pleasers, the one’s who wanted to avoid conflict, or be sure they did not upset the apple cart. It takes a lot of emotional energy to be sure that everyone is kept happy. This over time is emotionally overwhelming.
- Caretakers. They take care of everyone but themselves. They can also be workaholics. The notion being that the more work I do, the more my boss will like me, or the more acceptance I’ll get at work. They get their self-esteem from others, vs. within.
- These people have lost themselves. They are so busy meeting the needs of others as a way to gain love and acceptance that they don’t even know what their needs are, who they are, or what they like anymore. The co-dependent is very in tune with the thoughts and feelings of others, but not themselves. This leads to low self-esteem. They have shame and fear that others won’t like them for who they are.
- This person doesn’t know how to say “no.” They fear that if they do, that people will no longer like them or think less of them. The opposite is actually true. If you set healthy boundaries and stick to them, people will respect you even more, and treat you in the manner in which you deserve. If you don’t stick to your boundaries, you will eventually grow resentful of the person who is over stepping them.
- Controlling. Busy managing the lives of others as a way to reduce anxiety. It helps to reduce the chaos and lack of control over their lives.
Being healthy means that you are able to assert your own needs and desires. Your thoughts and feelings are independent of others. Sometimes you will agree and see eye to eye, other times you won’t. Some people may not like the new boundaries that you are setting and it may change some relationships. The relationships that remain intact are the healthy ones.
If you think you may be struggling with co-dependency give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
