Sometimes people find themselves in an abusive relationship and they wonder how they ended up there. A great analogy is the frog in the boiling pot. If you boil a pot of water and throw a frog in it, he will jump right out. However if you put a pot of water on the stove, put a frog in it and turn the heat onto high, the frog will get boiled to death. This is how you may find yourself in an abusive relationship. In the beginning the person put their best foot forward, if they didn’t, you probably would not have stayed in the relationship.

Many people stay longer than they should because they remember how good it was, and hope that it can back that way. However, this can only last for so long before the persons true personality comes through.

Often times after there has been a big blow up, the person who is abusive feels a horrible sense of shame and bends over backwards, promising that it will never happen again. They become that sweet person they were in the beginning, and you get your hopes up. It feels like a wonderful honeymoon period. This eventually wears off, and in time, the abuser will become abusive again. The pattern then repeats itself.

You may find these signs of an abusive relationship from Dear Abby (2001) to be helpful:

  • Controlling-they ask you many questions about where you have been, they keep money from you or only allow you a very small amount, they require you to ask permission to do things or go out
  • Jealous of you-this person texts and calls you continuously, and if you don’t respond they send multiple texts, they don’t want you to do things or go out for fear that you will meet someone else. They might check the mileage on your car to see if you are going where you say you are, or track you with GPS
  • Desiring quick involvement-this person wants to commit too quickly. You need time to learn what their true personality and family life are like to decide if you want to commit
  • Unrealistic Expectations-they expect you to meet their every need, and be perfect. We all know that this is impossible and exhausting
  • Isolating you-they don’t want you to spend time with any other friends or family members. They are cutting off your support system, as “others only cause problems.”
  • Don’t take responsibility for their mistakes-They blame you or someone else when something goes wrong. It is never their fault.
  • Blames others for the way they feel-It’s your fault that they feel bad, even if you have nothing to do with it
  • Overly sensitive-they get insulted easily, or see injustice in just about everything
  • Cruel to kids or animals-expects too much out of children, hurts or kills animals
  • “Playful force” during times of intimacy-enjoys holding you down or throwing you during sex
  • Verbal abuse-curses at you and calls you names
  • Rigid gender roles-expects you to stay home and do everything around the house
  • Quick mood swings-goes from sweet to violent without warning
  • Admission of past abuse-admits to hitting women in the past
  • Threatens violence-says things like “I’ll break your neck,” or “I’ll kill you.” Then minimizes what they said, or believes everyone talks like that.

These are signs to leave a relationship. If you are unsure and need someone to talk to, call me at 713-304-6554.

Debbie Grammas, Ph.D.