Are you an introvert of an extravert? There are pros and cons of each. These aspects of your personality can also affect your relationship. Often time’s people think the difference between an introvert and extravert is that one is more social than the other. While that may be true, you can also have a social introvert, or a shy extravert. The way you tell the difference is to determine how you recharge your batteries. Ask yourself this question. After a hard day at work, do I want to go home and be quiet, or do I want to get on the phone and call a friend, or be around other people? The introvert will want to have alone time to unwind and the extravert will want to be around others to unwind. Realistically, most of us are not true extraverts or introverts, but fall on a scale somewhere in between. So as an extravert, you still may need to have some alone time. And as an introvert, you need some time with others.
Often times these two personality types match up. Think of how attractive it would be. If you are the extravert, you are attracted by how self sufficient the introvert can appear-they seem independent and happy being alone. If you are the introvert, you notice how easy the extravert is around other people, and they always have friends around. This very notion of what attracts these two personality types can also lead to conflict. This is often a topic that comes up in couples counseling.
Think about it. If the weekend is coming up, the extravert may want to engage in several different social encounters with others, whereas the introvert wants to be alone or together as a couple. The extravert wants to be around others, so the introvert may misinterpret that to mean that their partner would prefer to be around other people than them. Their feelings may be hurt as they ask themselves, “Am I not enough, why does he or she always have to run off with other people?” The extravert might interpret the introvert as too much of a homebody.
Part of working through this is to recognize that each person needs something different to make him or her happy. There is nothing wrong with either personality type. The challenge comes in by negotiating these differences, and each person encouraging the other person to take care of their own needs, while also taking care of the needs as a couple. One couple I worked with negotiated this by going out together 1 time over the weekend. This was all the introvert could handle. Then if the extravert needed more, he or she could spend some time with friends. This also provided some alone time for the introvert. Each relationship is different. This arrangement might work out well for you, it might not. There are many ways to negotiate these differences. If you are noticing some differences in personalities that are causing you challenges in your relationship, therapy can help. Please give me a call at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas, Ph.D.
