Are you dreading going home for the holidays? Does the thought of it tie you up in knots? Is it like hell going home? You are not the only one. Most people talk about being with their families and look forward to it. Perhaps you are envious of them because you know your family is toxic in some way. Maybe someone drinks too much or has a substance problem. Or there are people who do not get along, or you have a parent or family member who is critical or abusive. Here are some things you can do to take care of yourself.
Do you really have to go?
If you would be much happier staying at home, or spending time with friends or other loved ones, consider that. Just because you have always gone home in the past, does not mean you have to continue a tradition that causes you torture. Perhaps you can let them know that you have decided to start a new tradition, or that someone else has asked you to spend the holidays with them. Of course people will harass you about that, but we will address how to handle that later.
Stay someplace else
If you do have to go, don’t stay at the home of the person who causes you angst. Perhaps you can stay at the home of a friend, family member you feel comfortable with, or even a hotel. Tell the person who expects you to stay with them, that you have decided this year you will stay with Aunt Ethel (or whomever), yet you appreciate their past generosity. If it’s easier, say that you’d like to stay in a hotel so everyone can have more privacy and it will be easier for everyone when it comes to showering, etc.
Limit time spent with family
Let them know that you will only be able to come for the meal. That way you can have some traditional family time together, and there will be less time that you will have to put up with any abusive behaviors, drinking, drugging, etc. Expect that they will not like that you are changing things up, as change is uncomfortable.
Expect anger to escalate as you set boundaries
This is normal human nature. Family dynamics are like well-greased wheels. Everyone knows how everyone else behaves and reacts. These can be functional or dysfunctional. What happens is when someone changes a behavior; the family system is thrown off balance and now its like rusty, grinding wheels trying to move. It is uncomfortable. Thus, behavior will escalate as a way to get you to go back to your old ways of behaving. However, if you stick to your boundaries, eventually the behavior will calm down and a new norm will form. What do you think will happen if you set your boundary, and then eventually give in when the escalated behavior gets you back doing what you don’t want to do? It teaches your family that they just need to act up more, and you will do what they want. I don’t think this is what you want to do.
If you set a boundary be sure you stick to it
Remember, people don’t like boundaries. They may tell you that you are selfish, or being manipulative. This is not the case at all. Boundaries are for you only. They are to make you feel safe. Anyone worth having in your life will respect your boundaries.
Practice what you will say to family when they comment about the change
Who will be most likely to try to guilt you into the typical tradition, or make obnoxious comments about you taking care of yourself? Will they tell you that you are selfish? Maybe they’ll ask how you can do that to mom or dad. Maybe they’ll tell you that you are a horrible person, or a bad son or daughter. Whatever it is, practice how you will respond with someone who understands how you feel. That way you will be prepared and feel stronger to make sure your needs are met.
Set a boundary regarding behavior of others
Let’s say a family member has a problem with alcohol. Tell them ahead of time that if they drink at the holiday (or start slurring their words) that you will leave. Of course they will have something negative to say about this. Then if the behavior occurs, you leave. This is the only way to protect you. Or perhaps a parent is critical or verbally abusive. Let them know ahead of time that if they say anything offensive that you will leave. If it occurs, tell them that you need to leave, as what they said was not appropriate. You may get teased, or be called “too sensitive”, and that’s OK. It does not matter what they think or say, it’s what you need to do to take care of yourself.
I know this is so much easier said than done. Family dynamics and traditions are difficult to change. However, if you are miserable, these are some things that you need to do to take care of you. The holidays should be enjoyable, and spent with people who treat you well. If this is something you struggle with, or need help setting boundaries, or are not sure what is healthy and what is not, please call me at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
