Are you dreading being with your parents this holiday season? If you are feeling that way, that is fine. There is nothing wrong with being honest to your self. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your parents, and it doesn’t mean that he or she is a bad person. Perhaps it just means that your personalities don’t click or you rub each other the wrong way. Here are some things that may help.
Set boundaries. Sometimes a parent is so toxic that you need to cut off the relationship, or have very limited time together. This will probably be the most difficult thing to do, as it is challenging to change family dynamics. I know of someone that has decided not to spend the holidays with their parents, as a way to reset the boundaries. They will then start with limited contact to be sure the boundaries are respected. If the parent cannot respect the limits, then it goes back to no time together. Most people will conform to your healthy boundaries after a time period. Remember, boundaries are to protect you, not the other person.
Write a letter but don’t send it. This is something I often recommend to people struggling in their relationship with a parent. You can have a chance to express all of your feelings, uncensored. When you give a voice to the multitude of feelings, it helps you make sense of things. It also helps to validate your feelings when your parent may never do that for you.
Journal. Many people find this helpful. Just write a stream of consciousnesses with whatever comes to your head. This is another way to get your feelings out. There is something about writing them down on paper that helps you lighten your emotional load.
Plan a specific event together. There is something about teamwork that is bonding. Perhaps you want to volunteer, or make a meal to take to someone, go to a movie, or organize something.
Play. Is there an activity the two of you enjoy doing together? Maybe you like to go to sporting events together, shopping or movies. Perhaps there is something the two of you have done that you both think is fun.
Read the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Perhaps the way your parent shows love is different that how you want to be loved. This could be an eye opener for both of you.
Consider going to therapy with the difficult parent. This may or may not work. It depends on the relationship. It could be that your parent wants to get along better with you too, but doesn’t know how. On the flip side, the parent may outright reject the idea.
These are just a few ideas to help improve your relationship. If you have any questions or if there is anything I can do to help, don’t hesitate to call 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas, Ph.D.
