Many individuals and couples struggle with sexual issues in their relationships. It can be challenging to discuss these issues, as they are so personal. You don’t get much more vulnerable than when discussing sexual desires or problems. Therapy is an appropriate place to do so, as it is done in safe, unbiased, nonjudgmental fashion.
Some of the information I’ll be sharing comes from a recent workshop I attended led by Barry McCarthy, PhD.
One issue that I wanted to address was the frequency of sex. Many couples wonder what is typical. Please note that it does not matter what is typical or not. If you are happy with the frequency of sex in your relationship, then it doesn’t matter what anyone else does. It is reported that if you have sex less than 10 times per year you are considered nonsexual. Being nonsexual destabilizes the person as well as the relationship (unless you identify as asexual). One in 5 couples fall in this zone. If you have sex 11-23 times per year, you are considered a low sex couple. The average is 59-62 times per year. So the average turns out to be about 5 times per month. Note that these obviously aren’t black and white categories.
Research shows that sexuality accounts for 15-20% of marital vitality and satisfaction. However if you are in a non-sexual marriage it plays a bigger drain-50-75%.
If you get divorced in the first 5 years of marriage, the most common reason is sexual issues. This is a huge reason to go to therapy to try to work some of these out. They won’t go away unless addressed. One out of 4, second marriages ends in divorce in the first two years.
Another interesting point is that if you have been an alcoholic or substance abuser, or if you have been in an abusive relationship, it will take you 3-6 months to enjoy sex in a sober or non-abusive state. This is information that no one hears about. So if you encounter problems in this area, know that it is not you. You are adjusting to a new way of life, and you need to be patient with yourself or partner.
For those men who would rather get a root canal than go to couples counseling, the research shows that if a female goes to individual counseling for relationship issues, there is more likely to be a divorce. It’s important that you go for the sake of your marriage.
I will be doing a number of upcoming blogs on sexual issues in therapy. If I can help your relationship in any way, please call me at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas, Ph.D.
