Sexual desire is a common issue with couples. Often time’s one person has more desire than the other person, which can create conflict and frustration in the relationship. This affects 1 out of 3 relationships. So, you are not alone if you are in this predicament. Twenty percent of married couples have sex less than ten times per year, and so do 33% of partners who have been cohabitating for more than 2 years. Here are some ways to renew and maintain sexual desire according to Barry McCarthy, Ph.D.

  1. Positive anticipation and feeling that you deserve sexual enjoyment in your relationship is a key element of desire. There are many ways you could build anticipation-such as sending your partner a text or email during the day stating your desires. A night away from home is another way.
  2. Revitalizing desire in your relationship is done together, as intimacy is a team sport. It is important to let go of guilt, blame or pressuring your partner. These decrease desire.
  3. The honeymoon phase of a relationship lasts between 6 months and 2 years. Know that that high feeling of falling in love is impossible to sustain in a long-term relationship. Expecting that to happen is unrealistic.
  4. Intimacy, pleasuring each other and eroticism are the key to renew your sexuality with your partner.
  5. Touching consists of many different levels. It can be from clothes on-affectionate touch, hugging, kissing, to partial undress-genital and non-genital touching, to intercourse. Intimate touch is enjoyable in itself and does not need to lead to intercourse. It can be sensual and playful. Many couples enjoy this aspect of their relationship. Men as much as women.
  6. It is OK to say ‘no’ to your partner. It helps if you can find other ways to feel close and intimate. Sex should not be used as a weapon or a reward. It should be voluntary on both sides.
  7. It is important to find ways to form a bridge to sexual desire, ie. what is it that your partner enjoys, or more likely to make him or her feel sexual or aroused?
  8. It is important to have realistic expectations about sex. According to Dr. McCarthy, 35-45% of experiences are good for both partners. Twenty-five percent are good for one partner, and just OK for the other. Fifteen to twenty percent are OK for one partner and acceptable for the other. And 5-15% are dissatisfying or dysfunctional.
  9. A healthy sex life is vital to your relationship. It reinforces your bond to each other, and reinforces desire and desirability. If it is conflictual or non-existent then it is a big drain on your relationship.

If you feel you are experiences issues regarding sex or desire, therapy can help. Give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Debbie Grammas, Ph.D.