Last week I began to address some tools for dealing with anger. This blog will continue with additional tools. We all experience anger. We don’t want to get rid of your anger, we want to help you deal with it in a way that wont harm relationships.
- Cognitive restructuring. What kind of self-talk goes through your head? This may seem harmless or insignificant; the opposite it true. The thoughts you tell yourself influence the way you feel. If your self-talk is negative, you may get easily triggered, or shut down. Pay attention to the thoughts going through your head. You may have faulty beliefs that you learned over the years that feed your anger. Learning tools to challenge these negative beliefs is the first step.
- Use of assertive communication. This involves openly expressing your needs in the moment. Being aggressive (demanding your way), passive (doing nothing), passive-aggressive (doing nothing in the moment, but getting back at someone later) are unhealthy methods. In order to express your needs in a healthy manner, you want to use this template: I feel ________, when you _______. What I would like for the future is ______. You will have the greatest chance of your needs being met in this way.
- Think of a few different options for solving your problem. Consider the pros and cons of each one before moving forward. Recognize that we will not always get what we want, and that life doesn’t always go as planned. We don’t need to blame others for our unmeet needs. Using this method we may get part of our needs met.
- Learn how to set appropriate boundaries. Boundaries are for you, to keep you safe. You don’t have to say yes to everyone or everything. Doing so will make you angry with your self and with the other person. Other people may not like it when you set boundaries, and that is OK. Once you set them on a regular basis, they will get used to it.
- Stress management. How do you interpret stressors? If you sense danger you are likely to overreact. Everyone reacts differently. If you have slept well, are in good health, have people in your life to support you and effective ways to cope with stress, then you are in a better position to manage it. These tools will decrease your anger response.
- Working through resentment. You may resent yourself, another person, or someone may resent you. If you tend to beat yourself up, try to realize that you did the best you could in the situation at that time. Work on self-forgiveness. If you resent others try to understand their point of view. If others resent you, make amends if possible. You cannot control what the other person does; you can only be open and willing to talk if they will meet you half way. If they won’t, work on letting it go, and know that you did all that you could.
These are just some basic tips on how to deal with your anger. More detailed work in each area can be done in therapy. Please call me at 713-304-6554 if I can help.
Take care,
Debbie Grammas, PhD
