Are you getting the sex you want? My hope is that you have a mutually satisfying sex life. However, many couples experience some challenges in this area of their relationship. Perhaps someone has a low sex drive, the frequency at which you desire intimacy is mismatched, there is a lack of desire, or some type of sexual dysfunction. If you fit in to one of these categories you are not alone.
Low sex drive
If there is a lack of desire or low sex drive, the first thing you want to do is to get a medical check up to be sure there is nothing wrong. Perhaps your hormone levels are low or have some type of illness. Also, lack of interest in sex is common with depression, or a side effect of certain medications.
If everything checks out medically, then we can start looking at some of the psychological factors that can play into low frequency of sex. Perhaps things are not as good in the emotional aspect of your relationship.
Behaviors that get in the way
First of all, if there is any type of controlling behavior, this is a big turn off. If you put your partner down, criticize them, tell them what to do, or prevent them from doing things that make them happy, they will less likely want to be intimate with you. Perhaps you let your partner do what they want, but then there is a price to pay afterwards. So maybe you tell your partner it is fine to have dinner with their friends. Then when they come home you give them the cold shoulder, or complain that you weren’t there for the kids, or make negative comments towards them. This gives them the message it isn’t OK to go out with friends, because there is a price to pay when they get home. Being passive aggressive will not make your partner desire you.
Coercing your partner to have sex will make them less likely to want to be intimate. This means no complaining, begging or pouting if they say no to sex. While it may be disappointing to be turned down, if you respect your partners needs and desires, they will eventually come to you. Any type of guilt, blame or pressure will harm intimacy.
Statistics on normal frequency
It is important to realize that the frequency of sex varies between couples, so just because one couple is having sex more often than you doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with your relationship. Here is some information on norms of frequency of sexual intercourse in couples I got from a workshop on sexuality given by Barry W. McCarthy, PhD.
Average frequency in general is from 4 times per week to once every two weeks. If you fit in this category you are in the average range. As we age the frequency tends to decrease.
1 in 5 married couples have sex less than 10 times per year. So you can see there is quite a variation in what is in the norm.
Ways to increase intimacy
It’s also important to have affection and touching outside the bedroom. These are small exchanges of intimacy and connection. I’ve heard people say they didn’t want to passionately kiss their partner or touch much as it would be interpreted as they want to have sex. This is not the case. If you deny that you are missing out on a lot of the good stuff. If need be, you can tell your partner that you would like to kiss and touch, but not have sex.
Remember too that the passionate crazy in love phase lasts from 6 months to 2 years. While it would be nice, it’s impossible to maintain in long-term relationships. For you to be able to maintain desire you need to have a comfortable relationship where you can feel free to be yourself and find a sexual style that is mutually satisfying. It is important that both people feel free to initiate as well as say no to sex. If you aren’t interested in sex, is there another way that you can connect and be close? There are many other ways to do so.
If sexuality, lack of desire or connection is missing in your relationship, feel free to call me at 713-304-6554.
Take care,
Debbie
