Most of us have some type of technology (phones, tablets) on us 24/7. It’s basically attached to our hips. If we can’t find it we feel a sense of dread or panic. We need to find it immediately for fear something bad might happen. We have become dependent on our phones for work and relationships. The only thing that might be worse than losing your phone, is losing one of your children.

Expectations from partner

I work with a lot of couples. Some couples expect their partner to answer their phone immediately. If the other person doesn’t, their mind may conjure up all kinds of things that aren’t true, such as he or she doesn’t care about me, or be jealous of who they are spending time with at work. This is far from the truth. Not everyone has the same need to answer his or her phone or texts immediately. Perhaps you are in a meeting, busy at work, or just don’t respond unless it is critical.

Missed time for connection

At home, perhaps you think your partner doesn’t want to spend time with you because they are always using some form of technology. They are either working, on social media or playing games. It is very easy to see someone on their phone in the evening, think the other person is busy and then go off and do something yourself. The other person gets off their phone, sees you appearing busy, so they go off and do something. Then all of a sudden the evening is over and you haven’t spent any time together. Your connection suffers.

Effects on intimacy

Think about it, does your partner bring their phone into bed with you? How might that affect your intimacy? If the phone wasn’t there, might you be communicating or being intimate instead? Research shows that if you have a TV in your bedroom, you have more sex than people without a TV. Does that hold true for having the phone or tablet in bed?

Risks and benefits of technology

Research conducted by Brandon McDaniel, PhD shows that 62% of the people polled said that technology gets in the way of their time together.

I recently printed off a worksheet from betweensessions.com, a website for therapists titled Does Technology Interfere with Your Relationship? It helps people realize how technology may help or harm their relationship.

The first step is to write down which devices or apps you use on a regular basis and how much time you think you spend on each of them. Second, write down which apps or devices your partner uses and how much time he or she spends on them.

Next write down the positive effects on your relationship of using these apps/devices for you and your partner. Perhaps you share calendars, or send each other texts or cute emojis during the day. Maybe you share information, articles or comics that make you think of your partner. Then write down the negative effects it has on your relationship. Perhaps you feel ignored, unimportant, that it decreases your time together, less connection, etc.

How it hurts your relationship

Now look at the negative effects it has and have a conversation with your partner how you might change your usage so it doesn’t harm your relationship. Be open to sharing and listening about each of your concerns. You may want to come up with a limit of how much time you will spend on your devices, have specific times for using media, or specific time each evening that is just for you and your partner.

You may want to have a rule that are no forms of technology or reading while at the dinner table. This is the one time of day where everyone is together. Treat it as special time. You may want to turn off all social media 1 hour before bed. This is actually something they recommend if have you have difficulty falling asleep as the backlighting can affect your melatonin production. Spend some of that time talking with your partner. You will be surprised at how much talking and connecting you can do if you give yourself 10-20 minutes with no other distractions. Also, going on a weekly date night, or spending time in nature is important for connecting. Put your devices on vibrate and don’t have them out.

These are just a few ideas of how you can increase the connection in your relationship. I’m sure you have plenty of other ideas on what may be helpful for you. If you need help in this area, please give me a call at 713-304-6554.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas, PhD