Do you think you are in an abusive relationship and wonder how you got to that point? I’m guessing everything was wonderful in the beginning, but slowly over time things went increasingly downhill. It’s like the analogy of the frog in the pot of water. If you put a frog in a pot of water and turn on the burner, the water temperature increases so slowly that he doesn’t know to get out, and will get cooked alive. However, if the water is already boiling and you threw the frog in, he would jump right out. Relationships are like this too. If the person who is abusive was that way from the start, you never would have gotten into the relationship. However, the abuser knows to put his or her best foot forward so you will fall for him or her.

A lot of people stay in an abusive relationship far longer than they should. They remember how good the relationship was in the beginning, and continually hope that the wonderful person will reemerge. However, the abuser can only be good for so long, and once they know they have you, their true personality slowly creeps through. Or sometimes everything is fine until you get married, and then a switch flips.

After there has been a big fight or blow up, the abuser feels an overwhelming sense of shame. They feel awful for the way they behaved, apologize and promise that it will never happen again. He or she goes back to that kind, wonderful person you fell in love with. This is known as the honeymoon period. Of course this eventually wears off, and it is just a matter of time until the next blow up. Often times the abuse escalates. This is the cycle of abuse.

Signs of an abusive relationship

Yearns for quick involvement

This person wants to get into an intense relationship very quickly. Realistically it takes time to learn about a person and how they treat friends and family before committing to a serious relationship.

Jealousy

Beware if the person calls you and texts you incessantly. And if you don’t respond they keep sending text after text, or call after call. They may not want you doing certain activities, or go out with friends for fear that they will lose you, or you will meet someone else to date. Perhaps this person watches the mileage on your GPS or tracks your phone to see if you are going where you say you are.

Controlling

This person asks you several questions about what you have been doing when they are not around. He or she may keep control of the money to prevent you from doing things, or give you a very small amount. If you want to go out, you need to ask for permission.

Expects too much from you

He or she expects you to meet all of their needs. Realistically there is no way one person can meet all the needs of someone else. Perfection is expected. It is exhausting to even think about trying

Keeping you from others

This person doesn’t want you to spend time with friends or family. They want you all to them self. Essentially they cut off your support system and they see these other people as causing problems in your romantic relationship.

They aren’t accountable for their mistakes

If there is a mistake, it is your fault or someone else’s fault. It is never the abuser’s fault.

Holds others responsible for the way they feel

You made them feel bad, even if you did nothing wrong. They need to blame their feelings on someone else, and since you are around, it’s going to be you.

Excessively sensitive

This person gets easily offended, and sees injustice in just about every situation.

Mean towards children or pets

The expectation of how a child should behave is unrealistic. Too much is asked, or the punishment is more severe than warranted. He or she may hurt or kill animals.

Playful use of force

This may occur when you are being intimate. He or she may hold you down or throw you around during sex, and acts like it is just for fun.

Verbal abuse

Perhaps they swear at you and call you names. This is never OK in any relationship.

Strict gender roles

You are expected to stay home and do everything around the house. Having a job and earning your own money is not acceptable.

Mood changes rapidly

One minute this person is fine and everything is going well. Then out of nowhere they become angry or violent without provocation.

Admitting past abuse

Perhaps they have told you that he or she has hit a partner in the past.

Threatens to hurt you

The person may say things such as, “I’ll kill you,” or “I’ll strangle you.” Afterwards he or she will play down what they have said, or say they didn’t mean it, or everyone talks like that.

Any one of these signs is a reason to leave a relationship. If think you are in an abusive relationship and are afraid to leave, or don’t know what to do, therapy can help. Call me at 713-304-6554 and we can come up with a plan to better take care of yourself. You can also call Bay Area Turning Point (281) 286-2525 or Houston Area Woman’s Center 713-528-6798.

Take care,

Debbie Grammas, PhD